i've been informed that she meant to say "eat" instead ...
December 25, 2003
merry, merry, merry
... and as we all know, it's just not christmas until, over a game of cards, your aunt tells your grandmother to "bite me."
happy holidays!
happy holidays!
December 19, 2003
my christmas letter
dear friends, family, and random internet people who must have taken a wrong turn,
guess what? you're not getting a christmas card this year. this shouldn't come as too much of a surprise since you've probably never received a christmas card from me. if you're lucky, you got a birthday card. if you're really lucky, it arrived no later than two months after your birthday. alicia's birthday card is still in my car ... that's where it was when she came to visit in november. i'd like to take this opportunity to wish everyone a very happy birthday!
welcome to my christmas letter. not only does it save postage and wear and tear on your local mail carrier, it doesn't obligate you to hang it in the threshold or on the fridge or display it in any way. however, if you're inclined to print it and tape it to something, i won't argue with you ... christmas is a time of peace.
the ending of 2003 marks the beginning of my fifth year working as either a technical writer or a communications specialist. pick one. this milestone is significant because i get an extra week of vacation without having to buy it. looks like i've fulfilled my long-term career goal and need to think up a new one. maybe it'll have something to do with ranching or upholstery or getting to work before 8.30.
as i reflect on the year, i'm having trouble remembering anything before september. i blame hurricane isabel. as a matter of fact, i haven't eaten a nilla wafer or a wheat thin since then. is that the kind of thing people reading a christmas letter want to know? i have no idea.
let's see, may marked my first anniversary as a homeowner and august marked my first anniversary living in the home that i'd owned since the previous may. as a result, i appear to be very responsible. i even have a lawnmower that i only use on days when the neighbor's kids are nowhere to be found. no, you cannot ride it until you're old enough to operate it. and you can't come in the house either. because it's mine. sure, sit on the porch swing.
so! i think that's enough info to get you up to speed. if you don't agree, please feel free to read through the archives. especially the november archive, or as i like to call it: the best writing on the internet.
have a safe and happy holiday season ... don't drink and drive ... or run with scissors ... for crying out loud, are you trying to kill your sister?
merry christmas and all the best,
-jody :)
p.s. if you go on a cruise, get an outside room. merely glancing in an inside cabin will make you claustrophobic. did you know that an irrational fear of clowns is called "coulrophobia"? i read that somewhere.
December 14, 2003
premedication
the vet said "just in case" and wrote the prescription for five pills. one pill is supposed to calm her down for six to eight hours. the trial run is today.
1 p.m.
i administered the xanax with one of my more clever ideas: scrambled eggs and toast. medication and peanut butter or cheese doesn't work anymore since the whole six-meds-a-day-because-we-think-she-might-have-lupus thing. egg salad has worked pretty well, but i didn't have any on-hand.
2 p.m.
there's been a pretty good nap going on for the last 20 minutes, but that's normal for a sunday afternoon. so i threw her favorite toy into the other room and she chased it like she was on fire. this must be why the bottle says "take one tablet two hours before travel." dually noted.
3 p.m.
she's barking at me for no apparent reason and won't stay off my heels. she stepped on the heel of my slipper halfway down the staircase and we both almost ended up in the hospital. time for another lap around the living room.
4 p.m.
i'm wrapping presents and zoey's acting like she's been blind until today. i saved her from one plastic bag and had to hide the rest. she ate the cardboard container thing that the two rolls of tape came in and chewed the ends of an empty paper roll. there’s nothing going on outside, but it has all of her attention.
5 p.m.
she hasn't chewed anything for a half hour and she's been laying down for a while ... let's not jinx it.
6 p.m.
a short road trip wasn't intolerable. at least she sat. a bit. i'm wondering if she's so curious about everything because she's calm enough to notice her surroundings. she walked through the battlefield of presents, paper, bags, and ribbon to get to the fireplace. you're saying: so what? normally, that's something she would never do ... too noisy.
7 p.m.
i haven't seen any significant evidence that says zoey won't be a complete basket case for the trip next week. she was maybe 20% less crazy today than she typically is on a lazy sunday. at least she didn't go for my jugular and i didn't have to scrape her off the ceiling. she’s napping again, so i’ll give the xanax the benefit of the doubt.
sometimes all you have to go on is faith.
December 13, 2003
poor
with that, my christmas shopping season came to an abrupt ending. it only took me five hours over two days to spend an amount of money that i don't care to mention. apparently i'm quick to spend when it comes to shopping for others, but i can't imagine spending as much money as i did these past two days on myself. weird, huh? maybe that's what i'll do next year ... and from then on only participate in christmas (involving others) every two years or so.
i enjoy mall shopping unless i'm doing it in the last quarter of the year. i was fortunate enough to be able to shop yesterday afternoon before the majority of the working world was released from its cage. even then, i made it to fridays in enough time to get a good parking spot for my car full of presents. woo-hoo!
today was a different story. it involved crowds, lines, strollers, and know-it-all teenagers. do you really think you're doing anyone any good when you stand outside a store in the middle of the walkway, waiting for your friend/spouse/whoever to come out? and when you finally do start walking, why are you coming this way but have your head turned around? despite what you think, you're not the only one here.
with only two more stops to make, my frustration level peaked, so in a seething walkway, i stopped in my tracks. then i turned around quickly, took a few steps and stopped again. then i walked in a tight circle and pretended i was lost. it was as if the mother ship just dropped me off in the middle of this mall and i had no idea what was going on. i fit right in.
i managed to trip the guy in who, several moments prior in walden books, had done nothing but stand in the only path between the bargain books and the general fiction. yay me! had he merely been looking at a book, i wouldn't have been so irritated walking around the history and through the self-help sections to get to the books directly behind him. for the record, saying "excuse me" to holiday shoppers is like asking zoey to have dinner ready.
also for the record, barnes and noble has the absolute worst christmas music. christmas with aaron neville? who thought that was a good idea? at least they had what i was looking for ... but maybe the woman at the customer service desk wearing the antlers could have been a little nicer. or she could have not worn antlers. she was a holiday paradox.
December 10, 2003
fingers crossed
both chris and the vet were surprised when i told them that two dramamine pills didn't put a dent in zoey's car-riding ability. so now we get to try something stronger.
yesterday, i read that ridilin given to juvenile rats causes them to be depressed when they get older. how can you tell a rat is depressed? and! isn't is possible that as it gets older it realizes it's a rat and that's why it's depressed? and! who's to say a young rat has trouble paying attention and needs ridilin in the first place? i'm not any kind of expert in rats (unless you take my dating history into account ... then i guess i have some rodent experience), but do they really have so much going on that they have trouble prioritizing? it's a good thing i'm not a scientist.
you're probably saying: if you had a rat'>http://rats.atlantispetsupply.com/shop_rat.php3">rat as a pet, you might understand. good point. however, i've had zoey for three years and i still don't understand her. (granted, she's not a rat.) my diagnosis? she's off her head. the vet's diagnosis? she has a lot of anxiety.
i decided to go with the vet on this one and picked up a prescription for alprazohlam [al-PRAZ-oh-lam] (a.k.a, xanax or valium) this afternoon. if the size of a pill has any relation to its strength, zoey will need to take all five pills for just the trip up ... each one is equal in diameter to the non-writing end of a standard BIC pen. fortunately, it will be easy to hide in egg salad ... unless it smells funny.
possible side effects? [aaron, don't read this part.] aggression and hyperactivity.
i'm hoping it just does what it's supposed to do and makes her clumsy so she doesn't stand up for all eight hours.
December 8, 2003
"variabalize" isn't a word
... and neither is vector ... not in the way you want to use it, that is.
please don't say "diversity" or "delivery" again. i fear you will.
with that said, i think we, as a race, should limit our use of the word "item." if you're going to the grocery store to pick up some things or grab some stuff for dinner, just say that you're going to the grocery store for some things or to grab some stuff for dinner. better yet, you could say, "i'm going to the store," on your way out. "i'm stopping at the grocery store to pick up some items for the week," is unacceptable.
if you want to talk to me about something, i would prefer it if you called me, found me, or emailed me with, "i want to talk to you about something." please refrain from saying, "can we pull up to discuss a few items?" and while you're at it, please don't ask me to "pull up" either. this isn't a car wash, a gym, or a drive-thru.
"bandwidth" has to do with frequencies, wavelengths, or energies. i may have the time and the skill to pull up with you about that item, but i'm all out of energy.
December 4, 2003
fine with me
there's a new christmas tree law in this state. from the sound of it, it's been in the making since adam and eve drove out to the country, cut down a spruce, hauled it up to their loft on the seventh floor, decorated it with popcorn and hallmark ornaments, didn't water it, left the lights plugged in for three straight days, came home from work on the third day to see their building reduced to a pile of ash, and had to spend the rest of the holiday season at the Y with displaced people like mom, aaron, and me even though marilyn said we could stay with her.
the law states that if you live in an apartment or townhouse that isn't equipped with a sprinkler system, you're not allowed to have a real tree. simple enough? if you said yes, you're giving the masses way too much credit. when i worked at the paper, some crazy lady threatened to get me fired because i listed her name before her brother's in her father's obituary. that was an early run-in with the public. when i told vickie about it, i was on the verge of tears. she rolled her eyes, went back to work, and that was all the lesson i needed. those were the days.
last nite the news, at both 6 and 11 on two different stations, featured in-depth stories about the ban on real trees because their newsrooms had been "flooded by calls all afternoon from viewers who aren't sure if it applies to them." here it is again:
if you live in an apartment or townhouse that isn't equipped with a sprinkler system, you're not allowed to have a real tree.
mostly the reporters talked about how wood is flammable ("it's just like what you burn in your fireplace") and how light bulbs generate heat ("if you leave the lights on for long periods of time, they tend to get hot, and that heat could send your holiday up in flames"). then they showed pictures of people intentionally lighting trees on fire. maybe that's the root of the confusion.
if that's not enough, "look at the ceilings in your apartment or town home. if you don't see one of these round sprinkler devices, [close-up of the sprinkler] your building doesn't have a sprinkler system, your tree might be illegal, and you could be facing a hefty fine."
$2,500! i'm all for it. it's about time we started fining stupid people ... god knows they can afford it ... they were awarded $10 million because sea world didn't post a sign saying it was dangerous to swim with killer whales ... then they got an extra million for falling out a fourth-story window while mooning someone.
the law states that if you live in an apartment or townhouse that isn't equipped with a sprinkler system, you're not allowed to have a real tree. simple enough? if you said yes, you're giving the masses way too much credit. when i worked at the paper, some crazy lady threatened to get me fired because i listed her name before her brother's in her father's obituary. that was an early run-in with the public. when i told vickie about it, i was on the verge of tears. she rolled her eyes, went back to work, and that was all the lesson i needed. those were the days.
last nite the news, at both 6 and 11 on two different stations, featured in-depth stories about the ban on real trees because their newsrooms had been "flooded by calls all afternoon from viewers who aren't sure if it applies to them." here it is again:
if you live in an apartment or townhouse that isn't equipped with a sprinkler system, you're not allowed to have a real tree.
mostly the reporters talked about how wood is flammable ("it's just like what you burn in your fireplace") and how light bulbs generate heat ("if you leave the lights on for long periods of time, they tend to get hot, and that heat could send your holiday up in flames"). then they showed pictures of people intentionally lighting trees on fire. maybe that's the root of the confusion.
if that's not enough, "look at the ceilings in your apartment or town home. if you don't see one of these round sprinkler devices, [close-up of the sprinkler] your building doesn't have a sprinkler system, your tree might be illegal, and you could be facing a hefty fine."
$2,500! i'm all for it. it's about time we started fining stupid people ... god knows they can afford it ... they were awarded $10 million because sea world didn't post a sign saying it was dangerous to swim with killer whales ... then they got an extra million for falling out a fourth-story window while mooning someone.
December 3, 2003
in line
i bought a book of stamps from the concierge this afternoon. it saved me from standing in a line with eager christmas card senders who are also eager to bestow best wishes on everyone in the tri-cities area. i'm not entirely sure which cities make up that area, but weather and radio people say it all the time. when i lived in PA, they said, "tri-state area" and i knew that meant PA, ohio, and new york because we lived in the little nubbin part of PA that's close to parts of those other states. i suppose if we had lived in eastern PA, the tri-state area would have been PA, jersey, and maryland. but i don't know anything about that.
she didn't have any run-of-the mill american flag stamps that i usually get out of the ATM, so i had my choice of ogden nash, dancing santa, reptiles, or a stamp commemorating something i didn't hear because she introduced it as "more expensive than a typical stamp." does that mean you can reuse it or send heavier envelopes with it? no. typically if you buy a more expensive model of something, it includes extra features that make your life easier. DVD/VCR combos are a lot cheaper than they were last year at this time ... and who the hell is ogden nash*?
i chose the santas and successfully avoided the aforementioned possessed-by-the-holiday-spirit people, breaking even in my effort to convince myself that i'm not the grinch. the good news is that i made it to subway moments before the woman who ordered seven sandwiches. at least she wanted all of them to be the same. apparently movers aren't picky as long as they eat. one time i got behind a guy who was ordering for the office. he kept the list concealed until it was his turn and by then we'd all been standing there too long to go somewhere else. unless the somewhere else was mcdonald's, and that's not up for consideration.
i used my check card for the transaction and in accordance with some law the concierge was required to note my address. i was happy to oblige. here's this week's poll: do i live on forest avenue or do i live on forrest avenue? people ask me that all the time. maybe i should change the spelling of my avenue in honor of the gump enthusiasts. for some reason this reminds me of the day finetta and i stood outside the auditorium checking people into the town hall sessions and telling them food and beverages weren't permitted inside. there were six sessions.
unsuspecting guy: "not even water?"
finetta before session four [tetchily]: "is water a beverage?"
then i watched a woman force a 20-ounce bottle of water into her purse.
*calm down, i'm totally kidding.
she didn't have any run-of-the mill american flag stamps that i usually get out of the ATM, so i had my choice of ogden nash, dancing santa, reptiles, or a stamp commemorating something i didn't hear because she introduced it as "more expensive than a typical stamp." does that mean you can reuse it or send heavier envelopes with it? no. typically if you buy a more expensive model of something, it includes extra features that make your life easier. DVD/VCR combos are a lot cheaper than they were last year at this time ... and who the hell is ogden nash*?
i chose the santas and successfully avoided the aforementioned possessed-by-the-holiday-spirit people, breaking even in my effort to convince myself that i'm not the grinch. the good news is that i made it to subway moments before the woman who ordered seven sandwiches. at least she wanted all of them to be the same. apparently movers aren't picky as long as they eat. one time i got behind a guy who was ordering for the office. he kept the list concealed until it was his turn and by then we'd all been standing there too long to go somewhere else. unless the somewhere else was mcdonald's, and that's not up for consideration.
i used my check card for the transaction and in accordance with some law the concierge was required to note my address. i was happy to oblige. here's this week's poll: do i live on forest avenue or do i live on forrest avenue? people ask me that all the time. maybe i should change the spelling of my avenue in honor of the gump enthusiasts. for some reason this reminds me of the day finetta and i stood outside the auditorium checking people into the town hall sessions and telling them food and beverages weren't permitted inside. there were six sessions.
unsuspecting guy: "not even water?"
finetta before session four [tetchily]: "is water a beverage?"
then i watched a woman force a 20-ounce bottle of water into her purse.
*calm down, i'm totally kidding.
November 10, 2003
off the wagon
just as the leaves wither, the days grow short, and i have to scrape off my windshield with a credit card on the morning of the first big frost because my ice scraper is buried in a guest closet somewhere, alicia makes her november visit and we spend 48 hours shopping and eating.
there's a new mall in short pump. i've only been there an hour at a time. either to eat or return something with denise. this weekend changed all that. we arrived at 10 saturday morning, left at 3, arrived again at 6.30, and left at 10. the second time we arrived had nothing to do with shopping, tho it did have to do with spending money ... at least it fit the theme. on sunday, we arrived at 11 a.m. and the starbucks guy recognized me.
"you were here yesterday morning. do you work here?""nope, just shopping."
then the woman behind me laughed. i guess she thought i was one of those people who while away their weekends spending obscene amounts of money in stores like ann taylor loft, j.jill, nordstrom, and pottery barn. ha!
i don't remember how long we stayed yesterday ... maybe an hour. then we went to a different mall ... an indoor one this time ... where the old navy is.
there's a new mall in short pump. i've only been there an hour at a time. either to eat or return something with denise. this weekend changed all that. we arrived at 10 saturday morning, left at 3, arrived again at 6.30, and left at 10. the second time we arrived had nothing to do with shopping, tho it did have to do with spending money ... at least it fit the theme. on sunday, we arrived at 11 a.m. and the starbucks guy recognized me.
"you were here yesterday morning. do you work here?""nope, just shopping."
then the woman behind me laughed. i guess she thought i was one of those people who while away their weekends spending obscene amounts of money in stores like ann taylor loft, j.jill, nordstrom, and pottery barn. ha!
i don't remember how long we stayed yesterday ... maybe an hour. then we went to a different mall ... an indoor one this time ... where the old navy is.
November 3, 2003
the way i see it
all great writers will probably tell you that washing dishes is critical to writing compelling prose that people enjoy reading. i find that success involves a careful balance of dishes, laundry, watching football, and brushing my hair.
perhaps that's why i'm not "great" ... yet ...
perhaps that's why i'm not "great" ... yet ...
October 29, 2003
wasted talent
so i'm sitting at my desk eating m&ms and checking my email when i hear one of the company's founders and the CIO walking down the aisle behind me, introducing themselves to the ruck along the way.
hey, at least i'm adhering to the clean desk policy ... except for the tv guide ... oops!
hey, at least i'm adhering to the clean desk policy ... except for the tv guide ... oops!
October 26, 2003
a man named carroll
the weather was dreary and warm. the wine was smoky and dry. we were drunk within 45 minutes and hadn't gotten to every table.
fortunately, carroll the produce salesman from roanoke was there to tell us which wines we'd like and which we shouldn't try. it wouldn't have been a successful tasting event without him. i mean, come on ... the guy's an expert on bananas.
unfortunately, there were no german rieslings on hand to divert his attention, and as much as we tried to maneuver through the tent full of sardines (no re-entry), we couldn't shake him.
why did denise introduce us? because she was drunk first ... just barely. there wasn't enough bread to go around, so i can't blame her. but the galaxy burgers were good, and we left his card on the table ... in case the waitress was interested.
fortunately, carroll the produce salesman from roanoke was there to tell us which wines we'd like and which we shouldn't try. it wouldn't have been a successful tasting event without him. i mean, come on ... the guy's an expert on bananas.
unfortunately, there were no german rieslings on hand to divert his attention, and as much as we tried to maneuver through the tent full of sardines (no re-entry), we couldn't shake him.
why did denise introduce us? because she was drunk first ... just barely. there wasn't enough bread to go around, so i can't blame her. but the galaxy burgers were good, and we left his card on the table ... in case the waitress was interested.
October 25, 2003
why can't we all be brothers?
at lunch yesterday, tony drank a crème soda. he wanted it to be a raspberry crème soda, but they only had diet raspberry crème soda, and he explained that any carbonated beverage that's labeled "diet" is innately evil, so he got a regular crème soda and made the rest of us vow to never again drink beverages with fewer calories than other beverages.
sadly, i don't remember the brand of crème soda he drank, but i wish i did, because i would link you to it so you could enjoy life as much as we did.
i don't know, maybe we eventually became boring and he was trying to find something else to concentrate on. regardless, tony decided to read the underside of the bottle cap, which, in very tiny print, advertised the fact that the fortune written there was an authentic fortune, and if you so desired, you could submit a fortune to be printed on the undersides of future bottle caps.
for real ... that's a lot to write under a soda cap, but there was more: the fortune. it read: "buy a stranger a meal." tony quickly deduced that since we were having lunch with him, we weren't strangers, and we laughed at him.
then he said, "i'm gonna do it. i need to build up my positive karma store." with that he stood up, walked to the middle of the line of patrons, and approached a woman. he showed her the cap, she read it, and he handed her $10. at first she didn't take it, but he somehow assured her that he wasn't insane.
random acts of kindness are bizarre to watch. leaving, we all hoped she didn't get food poisoning.
sadly, i don't remember the brand of crème soda he drank, but i wish i did, because i would link you to it so you could enjoy life as much as we did.
i don't know, maybe we eventually became boring and he was trying to find something else to concentrate on. regardless, tony decided to read the underside of the bottle cap, which, in very tiny print, advertised the fact that the fortune written there was an authentic fortune, and if you so desired, you could submit a fortune to be printed on the undersides of future bottle caps.
for real ... that's a lot to write under a soda cap, but there was more: the fortune. it read: "buy a stranger a meal." tony quickly deduced that since we were having lunch with him, we weren't strangers, and we laughed at him.
then he said, "i'm gonna do it. i need to build up my positive karma store." with that he stood up, walked to the middle of the line of patrons, and approached a woman. he showed her the cap, she read it, and he handed her $10. at first she didn't take it, but he somehow assured her that he wasn't insane.
random acts of kindness are bizarre to watch. leaving, we all hoped she didn't get food poisoning.
October 24, 2003
find the joke
this morning i read this headline on msn.com: "10 technologies that deserve to die." curious, i clicked.
because of the department i used to work in, when i think of technology i think of gadgets. i think of electronic devices that have been invented in a futile attempt to make our lives easier -- as if we didn't already reach that peak with the remote control.
before reading the list, i wondered which technologies i would say deserve to die ... and then, because i'm such a softhearted person, i wondered if anything truly deserves to die ...
... well, yeah ... duh ... this isn't the peace corps.
so, here's a list of useless things i'd get rid of if i had a say:
it was then that i realized that he's a barking lunatic and i'd wasted three minutes reading his article when i could have been working.
because of the department i used to work in, when i think of technology i think of gadgets. i think of electronic devices that have been invented in a futile attempt to make our lives easier -- as if we didn't already reach that peak with the remote control.
before reading the list, i wondered which technologies i would say deserve to die ... and then, because i'm such a softhearted person, i wondered if anything truly deserves to die ...
... well, yeah ... duh ... this isn't the peace corps.
so, here's a list of useless things i'd get rid of if i had a say:
- spam blockers
- the steam magic pro
- RONCO
- electric staplers
- 40-watt light bulbs
- the "close door" button in the elevator
it was then that i realized that he's a barking lunatic and i'd wasted three minutes reading his article when i could have been working.
October 20, 2003
a-(corn)maze-ing
you never think you're the kind of person who'd scream when things jump out at you in a dark cornfield until you've actually had things jump out at you in a dark cornfield. of the four of us, i screamed the most. maybe it was because i had the most suppressed stress and needed an outlet ... most likely it was because i was the biggest chicken.
but that's not the point, is it? the point is that mandy was stunning yesterday and every step she took was in grace. her husband led our pack and consequentially had his back to her the entire time, but i'm sure her modishness was no surprise to him; brad and i, however, were awed. there was something about the way she tromped through the corn, tried to bribe the guy sitting near the exit to tell us where the exit was, and danced in the strobe light by the electric chair ... incredible.
"don't touch me!"
it started with a hand check in an unlit barn: monsters jumped from the wall, mandy screamed, the assailant threw his hands in the air, shawn chuckled guiltily, mandy punched shawn, and the adventure through the maze began.
"shawn, slow down! jody's getting scared."
we think it took us an hour to get through the whole thing. shawn led, followed closely by mandy, me, and brad. we were a human chain when it came to passing through the pitch dark tunnels, and we stayed relatively close together the rest of the time ... except when shawn started power walking and brad slowed down to let monsters sneak up on me ... nice. dude, i thought we were friends.
"jody, no hitting!"
over time, we developed a rapport with many of the ghouls and monsters running around. one of them was particularly unsettling, not because of the make-up or dark clothes or the way he jumped out of nowhere, but because he was right up in my face. you're not allowed to hit anyone working there, but there was nothing in the rules that said you couldn't shove people ... and this guy totally asked for it.
"shawn rolled a 20 in wilderness lore."
... but he didn't have mandy's negotiation skills. two shiny pennies and a coupon for a small drink at mcd's will typically get anyone to do anything. it didn't work this time, and we ended up running into the guy in my face again.
eventually we found the web's exit and emerged from the corn shivering, sniffling, laughing, trying (to no avail) to warm our hands, and picking on shawn. he claimed he knew the way the whole time ... he just wanted us to get our money's worth ... and we definitely did ...
my feet are still frozen.
but that's not the point, is it? the point is that mandy was stunning yesterday and every step she took was in grace. her husband led our pack and consequentially had his back to her the entire time, but i'm sure her modishness was no surprise to him; brad and i, however, were awed. there was something about the way she tromped through the corn, tried to bribe the guy sitting near the exit to tell us where the exit was, and danced in the strobe light by the electric chair ... incredible.
"don't touch me!"
it started with a hand check in an unlit barn: monsters jumped from the wall, mandy screamed, the assailant threw his hands in the air, shawn chuckled guiltily, mandy punched shawn, and the adventure through the maze began.
"shawn, slow down! jody's getting scared."
we think it took us an hour to get through the whole thing. shawn led, followed closely by mandy, me, and brad. we were a human chain when it came to passing through the pitch dark tunnels, and we stayed relatively close together the rest of the time ... except when shawn started power walking and brad slowed down to let monsters sneak up on me ... nice. dude, i thought we were friends.
"jody, no hitting!"
over time, we developed a rapport with many of the ghouls and monsters running around. one of them was particularly unsettling, not because of the make-up or dark clothes or the way he jumped out of nowhere, but because he was right up in my face. you're not allowed to hit anyone working there, but there was nothing in the rules that said you couldn't shove people ... and this guy totally asked for it.
"shawn rolled a 20 in wilderness lore."
... but he didn't have mandy's negotiation skills. two shiny pennies and a coupon for a small drink at mcd's will typically get anyone to do anything. it didn't work this time, and we ended up running into the guy in my face again.
eventually we found the web's exit and emerged from the corn shivering, sniffling, laughing, trying (to no avail) to warm our hands, and picking on shawn. he claimed he knew the way the whole time ... he just wanted us to get our money's worth ... and we definitely did ...
my feet are still frozen.
October 12, 2003
the case for nite-lights
the way i see it, there’s a subtle difference between a nightmare and a scary dream. a scary dream is the one in which your life is in grave danger (is there another kind?) but it’s kind of an unrealistic situation and you have a vague notion that you’re going to be able to wake up. when you finally do, it’s 3 a.m. you turn on the light, make sure the bedroom door is locked, and are perfectly content to pull the covers over your head and risk suffocation while trying to stay awake until daylight. oh, and the dog looks at you like you’re insane and goes back to sleep immediately.
a nightmare is the dream in which something conceivably realistic happens to you, totally turning your life upside down. when you wake up, you’re not sure of anything, and have to call either your mother, brother, or best friend at 3 a.m. to find out what they can tell you about yourself. the dog’s reaction is the same to this one as it is to the scary dream, so don’t use her expression to distinguish between the two.
last summer, i had a series of scary dreams in which i lived through horror movies i hadn’t seen yet. they were: Signs, Hannibal, Jason X. the same thing happened this summer with: Jeepers Creepers 2 and Freddy vs. Jason. hey, Jason may seem harmless on screen, but when that guy’s chasing you through a botanical garden in broad daylight, you won’t be laughing.
last nite i had the second scariest nightmare in the history of me. what happened? i got fired and didn’t know what to do! i was running out of money and thinking about moving back to PA … woke up in a cold sweat.
i had the best nightmare ever when i was in high school … dreamed i was an addict. i walked around until lunch totally paranoid, expecting to need a fix at any moment, and worried about how withdrawal was going to affect getting into college. it was great. i can hardly wait for another crisis.
a nightmare is the dream in which something conceivably realistic happens to you, totally turning your life upside down. when you wake up, you’re not sure of anything, and have to call either your mother, brother, or best friend at 3 a.m. to find out what they can tell you about yourself. the dog’s reaction is the same to this one as it is to the scary dream, so don’t use her expression to distinguish between the two.
last summer, i had a series of scary dreams in which i lived through horror movies i hadn’t seen yet. they were: Signs, Hannibal, Jason X. the same thing happened this summer with: Jeepers Creepers 2 and Freddy vs. Jason. hey, Jason may seem harmless on screen, but when that guy’s chasing you through a botanical garden in broad daylight, you won’t be laughing.
last nite i had the second scariest nightmare in the history of me. what happened? i got fired and didn’t know what to do! i was running out of money and thinking about moving back to PA … woke up in a cold sweat.
i had the best nightmare ever when i was in high school … dreamed i was an addict. i walked around until lunch totally paranoid, expecting to need a fix at any moment, and worried about how withdrawal was going to affect getting into college. it was great. i can hardly wait for another crisis.
October 9, 2003
driving lane
the other day i lived that episode of Seinfeld where kramer adopts a mile of highway and paints over the lines to make it one wide lane. for no apparent reason (maybe they were under budget), the county of henrico decided to resurface a 300-yard section of nine mile road.
you know how this works. you’re driving to work one morning, you go through the light by kmart, and with no warning your car drops a few inches. now, you feel the way you do when you get stuck with the retarded shopping cart (and you always get stuck with the retarded shopping cart) because the road is milled and all your car wants to do is drift to the left and into other cars.
[time passes.]
you go through the light by kmart, and you pleasantly notice that your car no longer plummets. now there’s a slight bump that launches you onto smooth pavement, devoid of all lines whatsoever. traffic flows as usual: two lanes on this side, two lanes on that side. this is peculiar because ...
[time passes.]
you go through the light by kmart, and note the freshly painted double yellow line. you’d move to the left lane to pass the slow guy with the unending turn signal, but you can’t because he’s driving in the dead middle of what was formerly two lanes... and so is the guy in front of him. and so are the people in oncoming traffic.
there’s a perfectly clear stopping and restarting of dotted white lines on the fringes of the resurfaced road, and everyone was fine the other day when there were no lines; but the application of yellow has affected us somehow. people who’ve driven this road for years have forgotten that it’s a four-lane road. who can explain the human condition?
it’s like elaine said as she was weaving back and forth, "it’s so luxurious!" maybe people around here just really enjoy Seinfeld.
you know how this works. you’re driving to work one morning, you go through the light by kmart, and with no warning your car drops a few inches. now, you feel the way you do when you get stuck with the retarded shopping cart (and you always get stuck with the retarded shopping cart) because the road is milled and all your car wants to do is drift to the left and into other cars.
[time passes.]
you go through the light by kmart, and you pleasantly notice that your car no longer plummets. now there’s a slight bump that launches you onto smooth pavement, devoid of all lines whatsoever. traffic flows as usual: two lanes on this side, two lanes on that side. this is peculiar because ...
[time passes.]
you go through the light by kmart, and note the freshly painted double yellow line. you’d move to the left lane to pass the slow guy with the unending turn signal, but you can’t because he’s driving in the dead middle of what was formerly two lanes... and so is the guy in front of him. and so are the people in oncoming traffic.
there’s a perfectly clear stopping and restarting of dotted white lines on the fringes of the resurfaced road, and everyone was fine the other day when there were no lines; but the application of yellow has affected us somehow. people who’ve driven this road for years have forgotten that it’s a four-lane road. who can explain the human condition?
it’s like elaine said as she was weaving back and forth, "it’s so luxurious!" maybe people around here just really enjoy Seinfeld.
September 24, 2003
cast into shadow and forged anew
late in the fourth year of the new millennium in the records of men, the dark mistress isabel unleashed her wrath on the sullen people of the eastern shore. the attack caused saccharine weather reporters to wield microphones and transform into hard-hitting news casters.
unwisely, these creatures stood in the heart of peril, attempting to stand and to broadcast the turmoil to hundreds of thousands of people in their viewing areas who, i do not attempt to deny, were more interested in banishing the rotted food from their increasingly warm refrigerators than watching a bunch of idiots stand amidst forests of falling trees and power lines.
anyway! darkness fell upon the land, and tho the siege was over, scores of men, women, and halflings were left hungry and immobile and at the mercy of the deliberate work ethic of dominion virginia power.
it was then that king george, son of george, and governor warner, son of his father, arrived to proclaim a state of emergency and to bestow the promise of riches on clean-up crews and government laborers. following the announcement, they jetted off to less desolate and depressing lands to tell others of the welfare of the east and probably to say stuff like “sucks to be those people” behind closed doors.
as fortune dictated, those other lands aided in the restoration of power and water to the villages, eventually returning precious light and joyful days to the lives of the people in the east.
IHOP wasn’t serving beverages other than cranberry juice, but the commonage was free to feast on all the pancakes and omelets they desired. fast food was again fast, tho always questionably food, and there was much celebration. and it was just in time for the new fall season.
much that was lost is now restored; through unwavering despair, the world of men endures.
unwisely, these creatures stood in the heart of peril, attempting to stand and to broadcast the turmoil to hundreds of thousands of people in their viewing areas who, i do not attempt to deny, were more interested in banishing the rotted food from their increasingly warm refrigerators than watching a bunch of idiots stand amidst forests of falling trees and power lines.
anyway! darkness fell upon the land, and tho the siege was over, scores of men, women, and halflings were left hungry and immobile and at the mercy of the deliberate work ethic of dominion virginia power.
it was then that king george, son of george, and governor warner, son of his father, arrived to proclaim a state of emergency and to bestow the promise of riches on clean-up crews and government laborers. following the announcement, they jetted off to less desolate and depressing lands to tell others of the welfare of the east and probably to say stuff like “sucks to be those people” behind closed doors.
as fortune dictated, those other lands aided in the restoration of power and water to the villages, eventually returning precious light and joyful days to the lives of the people in the east.
IHOP wasn’t serving beverages other than cranberry juice, but the commonage was free to feast on all the pancakes and omelets they desired. fast food was again fast, tho always questionably food, and there was much celebration. and it was just in time for the new fall season.
much that was lost is now restored; through unwavering despair, the world of men endures.
September 19, 2003
memory lane
today i get to evaluate my performance during the last several months, highlighting my accomplishments, my strengths, and my weaknesses. don’t you wish you were me? the evaluation can't begin without the list of what i've produced in the previous six months. this is critical. in order to compile this list, i spend at least all morning painstakingly completing the following tasks:
let’s see, the most notable events in april included exchanging the old car for the new one, having lunch, and getting my hair cut twice at two different places within three weeks. [digression: if it ever happens that the hair cuttery is the only salon left in the universe, i will lay my head on the tracks secure in the knowledge that the train will leave me looking better than that place.] onward ...
may features one week of vacation, one week of absolutely nothing, and memorial day. thrilling, eh?
june was way better with six (scheduled) lunches, a going-away party, two training seminars, a fun day that wasn’t actually much fun, and a trip to sam’s club with denise to buy the latest harry potter.
i spent a whole week of july out of the office and was, sadly, not on vacation. this was the trip to the beach where i learned it’s better to go there with your friends, not with your manager, his manager, and 23 of their peers. gross. but i got a well-deserved handheld TV out of the deal ... "jody, at the next break, i need you to get directions to the restaurant for tonite and then i want you to drive there to make sure the directions are right." "what if they’re not and i get lost?" [laughter, not mine] "when you get back, we’d like to get some cookies and coffee up here." [chirping crickets]
next: august: three lunches, another haircut, the perseids, an airport pick-up, and an empty block of time from 4 to 5 on a friday labeled "busy." brilliant.
lastly, september ... this was an incredibly dull month with lots of work, hurricanes, and the like ... hardly worth mentioning.
this is going to be the greatest self-appraisal ever.
- open the spreadsheet that is the list of results i’ve been keeping for six months
- copy the contents into the appraisal form
- review calendar to make sure i didn’t miss anything
let’s see, the most notable events in april included exchanging the old car for the new one, having lunch, and getting my hair cut twice at two different places within three weeks. [digression: if it ever happens that the hair cuttery is the only salon left in the universe, i will lay my head on the tracks secure in the knowledge that the train will leave me looking better than that place.] onward ...
may features one week of vacation, one week of absolutely nothing, and memorial day. thrilling, eh?
june was way better with six (scheduled) lunches, a going-away party, two training seminars, a fun day that wasn’t actually much fun, and a trip to sam’s club with denise to buy the latest harry potter.
i spent a whole week of july out of the office and was, sadly, not on vacation. this was the trip to the beach where i learned it’s better to go there with your friends, not with your manager, his manager, and 23 of their peers. gross. but i got a well-deserved handheld TV out of the deal ... "jody, at the next break, i need you to get directions to the restaurant for tonite and then i want you to drive there to make sure the directions are right." "what if they’re not and i get lost?" [laughter, not mine] "when you get back, we’d like to get some cookies and coffee up here." [chirping crickets]
next: august: three lunches, another haircut, the perseids, an airport pick-up, and an empty block of time from 4 to 5 on a friday labeled "busy." brilliant.
lastly, september ... this was an incredibly dull month with lots of work, hurricanes, and the like ... hardly worth mentioning.
this is going to be the greatest self-appraisal ever.
September 5, 2003
white meat or dark?
the newest friendly’s commercial meant to emotionally move us enough to want ice cream and nasty quesadillas features a teenage girl who’s upset because her first boyfriend dumped her for, i don’t know, maybe his seventeenth girlfriend.
her big brother the hero, clad in his vinyl varsity football jacket, somehow manages to recognize her obvious despair: “let’s go to friendly’s.”
touching, eh? but what about real life?
of course aaron is my hero – i just don’t think taking me out for a gritty lunch would have been his solution. back in the day, if he had found me crying on the couch, it would have been more like:
“don’t worry. we rented ‘friday the 13th part 5.’ and ‘shriek of the mutilated.’ it has a yeti in it.”
maybe it’s a brother’s duty to always know what to say.
her big brother the hero, clad in his vinyl varsity football jacket, somehow manages to recognize her obvious despair: “let’s go to friendly’s.”
touching, eh? but what about real life?
of course aaron is my hero – i just don’t think taking me out for a gritty lunch would have been his solution. back in the day, if he had found me crying on the couch, it would have been more like:
“don’t worry. we rented ‘friday the 13th part 5.’ and ‘shriek of the mutilated.’ it has a yeti in it.”
maybe it’s a brother’s duty to always know what to say.
September 4, 2003
toxic energy
ok, here are some very important things you should know about working here:
- there’s always an easy way out. don’t be above taking it.
- thermostats are props – drink coffee like everyone else.
- driving rain can prevent non-smokers from taking their scheduled smoke breaks.
- you don’t get paid any less to do busy work.
- favorite co-workers: denise, bon jovi, enya, mom, cnn
- apparently, paper weights are appropriate gifts in the electronic age.
- we’re gonna need more time to re-contextualize the viral communities in order to embrace more synergistic idealizations.
- chocolate cake and happy hour were made for each other.
- i'm positive we've done this before.
- this is good, but can it be less creative?
September 1, 2003
lazy
we don't have to go
to work today, but i'm not
sure why: Labor Day!
val, shawn, and lucas
have been and gone. the dog thinks
they're still here somewhere.
more nighttime than day:
summer ends, napping season
formally begins.
and i know what i’m
talking about. what do you
think i did today?
to work today, but i'm not
sure why: Labor Day!
val, shawn, and lucas
have been and gone. the dog thinks
they're still here somewhere.
more nighttime than day:
summer ends, napping season
formally begins.
and i know what i’m
talking about. what do you
think i did today?
August 29, 2003
ode to the doorknob
it’s a really good thing i’m no one’s mother. i have zoey, and that’s as close as i want to get, considering she’s only two years old and we’re both clear on the idea that she’s top dog.
i know! she’s totally spoiled. recently, i confused “spoiled” with “more mature” and now have some home repairs to take care of.
it started during the crush of visitors this summer that was apparently so exciting zoey decided to be afraid of the guest room and forget that she was crate trained. after a bit of shoving, pointing, and whining (all on my part), she spent most of july with free reign of the kitchen/dining room area.
this was fine until the refrigerator became terrifying. i can’t even see if there’s anything to eat (and there never is) without her fleeing upstairs; and i admit, that was kinda funny until last week.
i know! she’s totally spoiled. recently, i confused “spoiled” with “more mature” and now have some home repairs to take care of.
it started during the crush of visitors this summer that was apparently so exciting zoey decided to be afraid of the guest room and forget that she was crate trained. after a bit of shoving, pointing, and whining (all on my part), she spent most of july with free reign of the kitchen/dining room area.
this was fine until the refrigerator became terrifying. i can’t even see if there’s anything to eat (and there never is) without her fleeing upstairs; and i admit, that was kinda funny until last week.
- wednesday: destroyed the blind on the door
- thursday: serious scratch marks and a hole (a hole!) in the doorknob
- friday: the nubbin thing that locks the door? she ate it.
- the weekend: wrapped the knob in foil to dissuade her. she shredded it.
- monday: she puked up the nubbin thing ... gross.
so, the crate is reassembled and after a couple wrestling matches, i’m back to having the impression of being in power … until val and shawn come for the weekend and i end up having to buy another doorknob.
August 26, 2003
harmony restored
you can't blame moses ... after all, he's only human. and as anyone can attest, one of the defining qualities of a human is an absolute lack of patience. had he not been in such a hurry to get the first 10 down the hill, we'd have, in my estimation, at least seven more commandments to enforce. since they didn't come with him, they can't officially be called "commandments" and are more like guidelines for living:
mom has always driven the biggest car in our family. before it was a 4Runner, it was a pick-up ... and before that i think it was the station wagon ... and before that, i don't know, she had a Camaro that she drove to meet cops.
anyway! after the last 4Runner came the slightly smaller RAV4, which she kept for only a few months after my Civic's personality crisis. why? i replaced it with an Escape. it threw everything out of alignment. we might both have been washing our roofs while standing on a milk crate, but i was tiptoe ... and taking up more space in the driveway ... with bigger wheels ... using more water. the indignity!
maybe 19 seconds after the cars dried, she decided she needed to own an Escape; as long as she didn't get a yellow one, we'd be mostly even, and that was good enough for both of us.
she immediately bought an Explorer.
the moral: mom's a tricky one ... you have to keep an eye on her. but at least she follows the guidelines. by the way, here's another one:
- thou shalt not leave unwashed dishes in the sink for more than three days (in a row).
- thou shalt change the radio station immediately upon the realization that it's a sugar ray song.
- thou shalt never drive a car smaller than thy daughter's car, lest thou livest the rest of thy life in complete embarrassment.
mom has always driven the biggest car in our family. before it was a 4Runner, it was a pick-up ... and before that i think it was the station wagon ... and before that, i don't know, she had a Camaro that she drove to meet cops.
anyway! after the last 4Runner came the slightly smaller RAV4, which she kept for only a few months after my Civic's personality crisis. why? i replaced it with an Escape. it threw everything out of alignment. we might both have been washing our roofs while standing on a milk crate, but i was tiptoe ... and taking up more space in the driveway ... with bigger wheels ... using more water. the indignity!
maybe 19 seconds after the cars dried, she decided she needed to own an Escape; as long as she didn't get a yellow one, we'd be mostly even, and that was good enough for both of us.
she immediately bought an Explorer.
the moral: mom's a tricky one ... you have to keep an eye on her. but at least she follows the guidelines. by the way, here's another one:
- thou might as well buy it now since, no matter how much you hate the idea, you're probably going to end up driving an automatic ford someday anyway.
August 25, 2003
August 24, 2003
spa day
it started with a healthy IHOP breakfast and ended covered in lotion, wearing little pink flip flops. yesterday was the big day that debi and i had been planning for a year, and it ended up being nearly all we’d dreamed … maybe i just wasn’t expecting so much blood. here’s the breakdown:
the facial: i thought the worst part would be the insecurity of a stranger examining my pores at a thousand times their normal size, but i was wrong. it was the steam. to drown on the heated bed in a tiny, cold room while being exfoliated would be bad; somehow, i beat the odds, tuned out the aaron neville music and relaxed. debi also seemed to enjoy her experience with the exception of the “extraction” process and something to do with unpleasant shoulder popping.
the massage: wow … i wish i was still there. debi wishes she’d gotten my masseuse … she apparently spent the hour with johnny elbows.
the pedicure: with the massage chairs (only debi’s actually worked … luck was on her side this time), the foot whirlpool, the bubbles, and the leg clay, this was fantastic … until my appointed nail tech took out the pointy stick used to push back cuticles; and so, the bleeding began. [note: the fun whirlpool produces only nasty stinging when you have open wounds.]
the manicure: debi lucked out again … i got the same nail tech. what face was i making the moment before she asked me if i was ok … the third time? what about when she said “i nicked you” again? yeah, that’s fun.
so next year spa day is in NY and we’re thinking of trading manicures for body wraps. i don’t exactly know what that involves, but i’m taking the neosporin just in case.
the facial: i thought the worst part would be the insecurity of a stranger examining my pores at a thousand times their normal size, but i was wrong. it was the steam. to drown on the heated bed in a tiny, cold room while being exfoliated would be bad; somehow, i beat the odds, tuned out the aaron neville music and relaxed. debi also seemed to enjoy her experience with the exception of the “extraction” process and something to do with unpleasant shoulder popping.
the massage: wow … i wish i was still there. debi wishes she’d gotten my masseuse … she apparently spent the hour with johnny elbows.
the pedicure: with the massage chairs (only debi’s actually worked … luck was on her side this time), the foot whirlpool, the bubbles, and the leg clay, this was fantastic … until my appointed nail tech took out the pointy stick used to push back cuticles; and so, the bleeding began. [note: the fun whirlpool produces only nasty stinging when you have open wounds.]
the manicure: debi lucked out again … i got the same nail tech. what face was i making the moment before she asked me if i was ok … the third time? what about when she said “i nicked you” again? yeah, that’s fun.
so next year spa day is in NY and we’re thinking of trading manicures for body wraps. i don’t exactly know what that involves, but i’m taking the neosporin just in case.
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