After President-elect Obama gave his speech on election night, and as he was hugging his family and Joe Biden's family and waving to all of the screaming and crying people (and Oprah), you may or may not have noticed the leaderly background music that was playing.
Well! That music was composed by John Williams as the soundtrack for the movie "The Patriot," which stars Mel Gibson, Heath Ledger, and Jason Isaacs.
Whew! I can breathe again.
December 3, 2008
November 17, 2008
In Case of Emergency
Now that I'm thinking about it ... You might want to print this out and hang it on the fridge. As I have.
You're welcome!
You're welcome!
Tick Tock
For 13 months I've been journaling my dreams. Many times, the images are very telling of a current life situation. Other times, the dreams are a raw glimpse into my psyche, a look at what makes me tick.
The latter are the portions that I've recently enjoyed sharing with Aaron, and now I'd like to share a short one with you (some go on for pages and pages and pages ... I'll spare you).
Enjoy!
Dinosaurs are attacking my office building. T-Rex teeth keep dropping through the ceiling. My job is to baby-sit the cats, and it's difficult to keep them still. A man who identifies himself as "a senior executive" shows up among the destruction and asks me if our printer works. I tell him that I don't know, but he's welcome to check it out on his own. He walks away and seems pleased, so I assume that, yes, the printer is still online. When it seems like the danger has passed, I pack up the cats and get into the trunk of a car.
That was great fun! If you're lucky I'll share a zombie one next time!
The latter are the portions that I've recently enjoyed sharing with Aaron, and now I'd like to share a short one with you (some go on for pages and pages and pages ... I'll spare you).
Enjoy!
Dinosaurs are attacking my office building. T-Rex teeth keep dropping through the ceiling. My job is to baby-sit the cats, and it's difficult to keep them still. A man who identifies himself as "a senior executive" shows up among the destruction and asks me if our printer works. I tell him that I don't know, but he's welcome to check it out on his own. He walks away and seems pleased, so I assume that, yes, the printer is still online. When it seems like the danger has passed, I pack up the cats and get into the trunk of a car.
That was great fun! If you're lucky I'll share a zombie one next time!
And Another Thing
Part One
Last week, I was driving home from work and discovered that a relatively substantial spider was living in my car. As the sun set and I tried to focus on the road in front of me rather than the arachnid, I saw him wander back and forth and back and forth across my windshield for the full 40-minute commute.
When I first spotted him, my first reaction wasn't panic ... Nor was it elation at the fact that I was suddenly at the mercy of an eight-legged critter that could very well be deadly. I had one simple and immediate thought:
"Denise would totally freak out at this."
And it made me laugh. Denise would totally freak out. She would scream and drop her phone ... And probably her nail polish and eyelash curler. She would bat wildly and without abandon at the poor thing, and if she didn't crush it with a rogue flip flop she'd managed to find in the car, she would spring from the vehicle the moment she got home and order Jim, Chris, Cody or any available human in the general vicinity to kill it instantly.
She would! And she'll admit it! Ask her ...
Anyway, I decided not to bat wildly at anything. I made sure I was aware of the spider's location at all times, and when it approached the lower left side of the window, I blasted the fan; Thereby rerouting him rather quickly. I don't know what I would have done had he decided to crawl onto the visor. I knew that was a possibility, but I had no plan. I probably would have called Denise to scream.
Part Two
As it happens, today was pretty cold. When I left the house for the one and only time I decided to wear a pair of boots that have been in the coat closet for quite some time.
Before putting them on, I turned them upside down and shook them ... I even beat them on the porch railing a bit to dislodge any potential residents. Confident that I was in the clear, I put them on and discovered no trouble whatsoever.
About 15 minutes later, as I was in the car and exiting 295, I felt what I thought was a tiny bit of crawling under my right toe. And what did I do? I thought of Denise and I laughed ... A bit ... It was conclusively not the same kind of laugh I uttered on the day of the spider. It was unsure.
My eyes widened, as the crawling made it's way down my foot.
"Oh my God!" I squealed as I approached the first light ... Which was green. By the second green light I really was laughing (and still squealing), and whatever was in my shoe had migrated to the arch of my foot. Thankfully, the third light was red.
In a rush, I stopped the car, put it in park, hit the button to make my window go down, and wrenched off my shoe. I batted at my foot and shook the boot out the window.
Honestly, I have no idea what the intruder was. I like to think it was some kind of ancient dust ball or a tiny, dead, formerly-crawly thing, but I'll never know for sure.
The light changed, and I made the turn into my destination. In the parking lot, I put my shoe back on and spent a moment laughing at myself ... In a totally freaked out kind of way.
Last week, I was driving home from work and discovered that a relatively substantial spider was living in my car. As the sun set and I tried to focus on the road in front of me rather than the arachnid, I saw him wander back and forth and back and forth across my windshield for the full 40-minute commute.
When I first spotted him, my first reaction wasn't panic ... Nor was it elation at the fact that I was suddenly at the mercy of an eight-legged critter that could very well be deadly. I had one simple and immediate thought:
"Denise would totally freak out at this."
And it made me laugh. Denise would totally freak out. She would scream and drop her phone ... And probably her nail polish and eyelash curler. She would bat wildly and without abandon at the poor thing, and if she didn't crush it with a rogue flip flop she'd managed to find in the car, she would spring from the vehicle the moment she got home and order Jim, Chris, Cody or any available human in the general vicinity to kill it instantly.
She would! And she'll admit it! Ask her ...
Anyway, I decided not to bat wildly at anything. I made sure I was aware of the spider's location at all times, and when it approached the lower left side of the window, I blasted the fan; Thereby rerouting him rather quickly. I don't know what I would have done had he decided to crawl onto the visor. I knew that was a possibility, but I had no plan. I probably would have called Denise to scream.
Part Two
As it happens, today was pretty cold. When I left the house for the one and only time I decided to wear a pair of boots that have been in the coat closet for quite some time.
Before putting them on, I turned them upside down and shook them ... I even beat them on the porch railing a bit to dislodge any potential residents. Confident that I was in the clear, I put them on and discovered no trouble whatsoever.
About 15 minutes later, as I was in the car and exiting 295, I felt what I thought was a tiny bit of crawling under my right toe. And what did I do? I thought of Denise and I laughed ... A bit ... It was conclusively not the same kind of laugh I uttered on the day of the spider. It was unsure.
My eyes widened, as the crawling made it's way down my foot.
"Oh my God!" I squealed as I approached the first light ... Which was green. By the second green light I really was laughing (and still squealing), and whatever was in my shoe had migrated to the arch of my foot. Thankfully, the third light was red.
In a rush, I stopped the car, put it in park, hit the button to make my window go down, and wrenched off my shoe. I batted at my foot and shook the boot out the window.
Honestly, I have no idea what the intruder was. I like to think it was some kind of ancient dust ball or a tiny, dead, formerly-crawly thing, but I'll never know for sure.
The light changed, and I made the turn into my destination. In the parking lot, I put my shoe back on and spent a moment laughing at myself ... In a totally freaked out kind of way.
Glad You're Not Me
I was in the orthodontist's waiting room, sitting just opposite two kids whose combined age probably equalled mine ... At the least, their total came very close.
They were clearly a couple, whispering plans for the afternoon and schedules for semester finals. Meanwhile, I was chatting very loudly with the office staff about the weather and the economy. When they glanced at me, I could totally read "Can you imagine being that old and having braces?" And I was fine with it. I get that look all the time.
After a moment or two of silent contemplation on both sides of the room, the doctor came in and said, "Miranda and Jody, you can come on back." And the boy's face went completely white with surprise ... Until he saw me stand up.
"Oh, man," he said to me, suddenly looking more comfortable in his chair. "My name is Joe! i didn't want to go back there!"
I said that I didn't blame him, and we all had a nice little laugh that bridged the generations.
They were clearly a couple, whispering plans for the afternoon and schedules for semester finals. Meanwhile, I was chatting very loudly with the office staff about the weather and the economy. When they glanced at me, I could totally read "Can you imagine being that old and having braces?" And I was fine with it. I get that look all the time.
After a moment or two of silent contemplation on both sides of the room, the doctor came in and said, "Miranda and Jody, you can come on back." And the boy's face went completely white with surprise ... Until he saw me stand up.
"Oh, man," he said to me, suddenly looking more comfortable in his chair. "My name is Joe! i didn't want to go back there!"
I said that I didn't blame him, and we all had a nice little laugh that bridged the generations.
August 4, 2008
automatic renewal
"Please wait while Norton fixes your problems."
i wish i'd known about this years ago.
i'm feeling better already.
i wish i'd known about this years ago.
i'm feeling better already.
June 16, 2008
running riot
in shriek of the mutilated, a guy in a yeti costume and a cannibal indian kill their prey by scaring them to death. the innocent girl gets tied to a tree and then the yeti jumps out occasionally ... rar! ... she screams, flips out, and dies.
jaws goes after the kill in a much more direct way: the innocent girl paddles around in the surf and all of a sudden ... gulp! ... gone. and no one has to break out the electric knife.
today i read an article about an "experienced sailor" who was knocked off his boat in lake erie and swam for 13 hours to get to shore. (i won't even get into the reason behind life jackets.) the way i see it, this is like open water without as much desperation, so it may not make it to the big screen.
however, the image of the guy stranded in that ugly brown water is stuck in my head and i keep thinking about how things would have turned out for me if i found myself in his situation. i've come up with two possible outcomes ...
scenario #1
upon regaining consciousness and realizing where i am and what i don't have, i totally panic and drown almost immediately.
scenario #2
upon regaining consciousness, etc., i panic for a moment but manage to calm myself down (whew!) and decide in which direction i'll swim. for the first couple hours i beat myself up psychologically about the whole life jacket thing and worry about having to tell people about the stupid thing i did.
in that time, i plan the lie that i'll tell when i reach the shore so that no one knows what actually happened. i run my lines a bunch of times and try them with improvisations to make sure my story is believable and repeatable, but not exactly the same every time.
with that straight, i sing american pie in my head a few times because it's the longest song i know. then i go thru a few wrest favorites and get thirsty, which is natural. it's a good thing lake erie is fresh water. it's not such a good thing that it's chock full of e coli.
bored with singing, i decide to run through the dialogue of the movies i have memorized. my brain thinks "we're gonna need a bigger boat" is funny and ironic, but it's actually the catalyst of my demise because now i only think about sharks and i wonder just how big walleye get. do they eat people?
now i'm freaked. all i want to do is get out of the water because i'm convinced something is circling beneath me. i can hear it ... it's one of the tremors monsters that's gone marine!
something brushes my leg. in reality, it's probably a boot or a mattress or some other kind of garbage, but i think it's a water-bound yeti.
finally, i succumb ... it's a shark. there's no possible way it's a shark, but there's no possible way it's not a shark. i brace myself for all of the biting and am so worked up about it that my body just can't take it and everything goes dark. my fear has killed me.
the conclusion
i might as well have been tied to a tree.
ugh.
so, congratulations guy who spent 13 hours swimming in the bacteria-infested waters of lake erie! i commend you and hope you don't have salmonella.
i clearly need a stronger grasp on reality.
jaws goes after the kill in a much more direct way: the innocent girl paddles around in the surf and all of a sudden ... gulp! ... gone. and no one has to break out the electric knife.
today i read an article about an "experienced sailor" who was knocked off his boat in lake erie and swam for 13 hours to get to shore. (i won't even get into the reason behind life jackets.) the way i see it, this is like open water without as much desperation, so it may not make it to the big screen.
however, the image of the guy stranded in that ugly brown water is stuck in my head and i keep thinking about how things would have turned out for me if i found myself in his situation. i've come up with two possible outcomes ...
scenario #1
upon regaining consciousness and realizing where i am and what i don't have, i totally panic and drown almost immediately.
scenario #2
upon regaining consciousness, etc., i panic for a moment but manage to calm myself down (whew!) and decide in which direction i'll swim. for the first couple hours i beat myself up psychologically about the whole life jacket thing and worry about having to tell people about the stupid thing i did.
in that time, i plan the lie that i'll tell when i reach the shore so that no one knows what actually happened. i run my lines a bunch of times and try them with improvisations to make sure my story is believable and repeatable, but not exactly the same every time.
with that straight, i sing american pie in my head a few times because it's the longest song i know. then i go thru a few wrest favorites and get thirsty, which is natural. it's a good thing lake erie is fresh water. it's not such a good thing that it's chock full of e coli.
bored with singing, i decide to run through the dialogue of the movies i have memorized. my brain thinks "we're gonna need a bigger boat" is funny and ironic, but it's actually the catalyst of my demise because now i only think about sharks and i wonder just how big walleye get. do they eat people?
now i'm freaked. all i want to do is get out of the water because i'm convinced something is circling beneath me. i can hear it ... it's one of the tremors monsters that's gone marine!
something brushes my leg. in reality, it's probably a boot or a mattress or some other kind of garbage, but i think it's a water-bound yeti.
finally, i succumb ... it's a shark. there's no possible way it's a shark, but there's no possible way it's not a shark. i brace myself for all of the biting and am so worked up about it that my body just can't take it and everything goes dark. my fear has killed me.
the conclusion
i might as well have been tied to a tree.
ugh.
so, congratulations guy who spent 13 hours swimming in the bacteria-infested waters of lake erie! i commend you and hope you don't have salmonella.
i clearly need a stronger grasp on reality.
April 29, 2008
totally wired
i woke up this morning tired of the same old thing - wanting to do something different, to make a change or two.
first, i didn't hit the snooze bar. even tho it's easy to snooze until 7.58 when working from home, i got out of bed at 6.45. i made a cup of tea and walked in the yard with zoey before turning on the news. *gasp! who am i?*
then, i took a shower and resisted the temptations to both get back into my PJs and let my hair dry on it's own. i even said yes to breakfast!
i worked without allowing the little things to stress me out - and there are a lot of little things, let me tell you.when i was asked difficult questions, i didn't pass them on to someone else or put off answering them.
i also watched dr. phil, a behavior of which i'm not proud, but it's not something in my normal routine. and "watched" is a strong word. "half-listened" is much more accurate and still a change. and when lewis came to mow the lawn i volunteered to run out to the ATM so he didn't have to come back tomorrow. but he said he'd take a check because he trusts me. what a wonderful vote of confidence!
oh! and amid all of those things, i got braces. so that makes things different.
it's funny. val and i spent a number of years laughing at lisping ... we placed food orders with lisps and even wrote an entire column completely in lisp (unbelievably, it was published unedited). now, actually having one instead of always having to pretend is awesome.
first, i didn't hit the snooze bar. even tho it's easy to snooze until 7.58 when working from home, i got out of bed at 6.45. i made a cup of tea and walked in the yard with zoey before turning on the news. *gasp! who am i?*
then, i took a shower and resisted the temptations to both get back into my PJs and let my hair dry on it's own. i even said yes to breakfast!
i worked without allowing the little things to stress me out - and there are a lot of little things, let me tell you.when i was asked difficult questions, i didn't pass them on to someone else or put off answering them.
i also watched dr. phil, a behavior of which i'm not proud, but it's not something in my normal routine. and "watched" is a strong word. "half-listened" is much more accurate and still a change. and when lewis came to mow the lawn i volunteered to run out to the ATM so he didn't have to come back tomorrow. but he said he'd take a check because he trusts me. what a wonderful vote of confidence!
oh! and amid all of those things, i got braces. so that makes things different.
it's funny. val and i spent a number of years laughing at lisping ... we placed food orders with lisps and even wrote an entire column completely in lisp (unbelievably, it was published unedited). now, actually having one instead of always having to pretend is awesome.
March 20, 2008
hippity hope
i think that in 20 years easter will be a major holiday, second only to christmas. wanna know why? you’ll like this one ...
themed easter baskets.
extinct will be the modest baskets with 10-year-old plastic grass, peeps that no one eats, occasional sunflower seeds, peanut butter eggs that won't last thru brunch, and the crowning high-quality chocolate rabbit that i had to ask permission to eat and that mom would only chop up with a big french knife when i was allowed bites.
these days, kids can get a basket full of dora or hannah montana or power ranger or [insert your favorite mainstream fad] paraphernalia - the contents of which can be toys, candy, clothing, make-up, and endless whatnot. we feel the need to give easter presents, and i don't think i can afford it.
alicia sent me an article today that talked about why easter isn't - and may never be - as popular as christmas: cruelty and gruesomeness.
a compelling argument, i must say. it's more festive to celebrate someone's birthday than it is to celebrate their torture, death and resurrection. but in this age of imminent sodom and gomorrah, people are looking for any excuse to have a party ... or at least make money. have a look at valentine's day ...
on february 14, we give cards and chocolates to each other in the name of St. Valentine of Terni who refused to deny Christ and got his head cut off for it (thank you wikipedia).
love ya!
so, no, i don't completely agree that easter will never make the list of corporate holidays. in the easter bunny, we have a well-established pagan, imaginary (shhhhh … sorry!!) figure; in colored eggs, we have both the tree and the snack for the deliverer of presents; in the easter basket, we have the stocking ... even if it is a little hard to find - especially when someone puts it behind the piano. d'oh!
we also have chocolate makers, retailers, and their collective marketers spinning us up with specialized merchandise and sales well before the actual holiday.
all we need now is a solid date. we can't have people saying things like "easter sure is early this year" and "oh, is that this weekend?"
hmmmm ... that could prove to be easter's big undoing. if a holiday is easy to forget, congress will never get involved (e.g., arbor day).
the lack of a static date is a downfall … and so is the whole "lent" thing where we're supposed to give something up and be uncommonly nice to people before we can break out the basket-finding parties. whatever.
i'm sure we can think of a way around it, tho ... it's all optional.
got it! the lent countdown will be like the advent calendar. a piece of chocolate for every day ... but if you give up chocolate you’ll get a cigarette or something.
yes. it’s coming together now! are you with me?
then, what do you want for easter this year?
themed easter baskets.
extinct will be the modest baskets with 10-year-old plastic grass, peeps that no one eats, occasional sunflower seeds, peanut butter eggs that won't last thru brunch, and the crowning high-quality chocolate rabbit that i had to ask permission to eat and that mom would only chop up with a big french knife when i was allowed bites.
these days, kids can get a basket full of dora or hannah montana or power ranger or [insert your favorite mainstream fad] paraphernalia - the contents of which can be toys, candy, clothing, make-up, and endless whatnot. we feel the need to give easter presents, and i don't think i can afford it.
alicia sent me an article today that talked about why easter isn't - and may never be - as popular as christmas: cruelty and gruesomeness.
a compelling argument, i must say. it's more festive to celebrate someone's birthday than it is to celebrate their torture, death and resurrection. but in this age of imminent sodom and gomorrah, people are looking for any excuse to have a party ... or at least make money. have a look at valentine's day ...
on february 14, we give cards and chocolates to each other in the name of St. Valentine of Terni who refused to deny Christ and got his head cut off for it (thank you wikipedia).
love ya!
so, no, i don't completely agree that easter will never make the list of corporate holidays. in the easter bunny, we have a well-established pagan, imaginary (shhhhh … sorry!!) figure; in colored eggs, we have both the tree and the snack for the deliverer of presents; in the easter basket, we have the stocking ... even if it is a little hard to find - especially when someone puts it behind the piano. d'oh!
we also have chocolate makers, retailers, and their collective marketers spinning us up with specialized merchandise and sales well before the actual holiday.
all we need now is a solid date. we can't have people saying things like "easter sure is early this year" and "oh, is that this weekend?"
hmmmm ... that could prove to be easter's big undoing. if a holiday is easy to forget, congress will never get involved (e.g., arbor day).
the lack of a static date is a downfall … and so is the whole "lent" thing where we're supposed to give something up and be uncommonly nice to people before we can break out the basket-finding parties. whatever.
i'm sure we can think of a way around it, tho ... it's all optional.
got it! the lent countdown will be like the advent calendar. a piece of chocolate for every day ... but if you give up chocolate you’ll get a cigarette or something.
yes. it’s coming together now! are you with me?
then, what do you want for easter this year?
January 2, 2008
happy new year!
here's "the wishing song," as sung by gonzo to madeline kahn in 1974.
I wish I had a coat of silk, the color of the sky.
I wish I had a lady fair, and then a butterfly.
I wish I had a house of stone that looked down on the sea.
But most of all I wish that I was someone else but me.
Now I don't have a coat of silk, but I still have the sky.
Now I don't have a lady, but there goes a butterfly.
Now I don't have a house of stone, but I can see the sea.
Now most of all I know that I am happy to be me.
I'm happy to be me.
I wish I had a coat of silk, the color of the sky.
I wish I had a lady fair, and then a butterfly.
I wish I had a house of stone that looked down on the sea.
But most of all I wish that I was someone else but me.
Now I don't have a coat of silk, but I still have the sky.
Now I don't have a lady, but there goes a butterfly.
Now I don't have a house of stone, but I can see the sea.
Now most of all I know that I am happy to be me.
I'm happy to be me.
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