cast into shadow and forged anew

late in the fourth year of the new millennium in the records of men, the dark mistress isabel unleashed her wrath on the sullen people of the eastern shore. the attack caused saccharine weather reporters to wield microphones and transform into hard-hitting news casters.

unwisely, these creatures stood in the heart of peril, attempting to stand and to broadcast the turmoil to hundreds of thousands of people in their viewing areas who, i do not attempt to deny, were more interested in banishing the rotted food from their increasingly warm refrigerators than watching a bunch of idiots stand amidst forests of falling trees and power lines.
anyway! darkness fell upon the land, and tho the siege was over, scores of men, women, and halflings were left hungry and immobile and at the mercy of the deliberate work ethic of dominion virginia power.

it was then that king george, son of george, and governor warner, son of his father, arrived to proclaim a state of emergency and to bestow the promise of riches on clean-up crews and government laborers. following the announcement, they jetted off to less desolate and depressing lands to tell others of the welfare of the east and probably to say stuff like “sucks to be those people” behind closed doors.

as fortune dictated, those other lands aided in the restoration of power and water to the villages, eventually returning precious light and joyful days to the lives of the people in the east.
IHOP wasn’t serving beverages other than cranberry juice, but the commonage was free to feast on all the pancakes and omelets they desired. fast food was again fast, tho always questionably food, and there was much celebration. and it was just in time for the new fall season.

much that was lost is now restored; through unwavering despair, the world of men endures.

memory lane

today i get to evaluate my performance during the last several months, highlighting my accomplishments, my strengths, and my weaknesses. don’t you wish you were me? the evaluation can't begin without the list of what i've produced in the previous six months. this is critical. in order to compile this list, i spend at least all morning painstakingly completing the following tasks:

1. open the spreadsheet that is the list of results i’ve been keeping for six months
2. copy the contents into the appraisal form
3. review calendar to make sure i didn’t miss anything

obviously, step 3 makes it fun.

let’s see, the most notable events in april included exchanging the old car for the new one, having lunch, and getting my hair cut twice at two different places within three weeks. [digression: if it ever happens that the hair cuttery is the only salon left in the universe, i will lay my head on the tracks secure in the knowledge that the train will leave me looking better than that place.] onward ...

may features one week of vacation, one week of absolutely nothing, and memorial day. thrilling, eh?
june was way better with six (scheduled) lunches, a going-away party, two training seminars, a fun day that wasn’t actually much fun, and a trip to sam’s club with denise to buy the latest harry potter.

i spent a whole week of july out of the office and was, sadly, not on vacation. this was the trip to the beach where i learned it’s better to go there with your friends, not with your manager, his manager, and 23 of their peers. gross. but i got a well-deserved handheld TV out of the deal ... "jody, at the next break, i need you to get directions to the restaurant for tonite and then i want you to drive there to make sure the directions are right." "what if they’re not and i get lost?" [laughter, not mine] "when you get back, we’d like to get some cookies and coffee up here." [chirping crickets]

next: august: three lunches, another haircut, the perseids, an airport pick-up, and an empty block of time from 4 to 5 on a friday labeled "busy." brilliant.

lastly, september ... this was an incredibly dull month with lots of work, hurricanes, and the like ... hardly worth mentioning.

this is going to be the greatest self-appraisal ever.

white meat or dark?

the newest friendly’s commercial meant to emotionally move us enough to want ice cream and nasty quesadillas features a teenage girl who’s upset because her first boyfriend dumped her for, i don’t know, maybe his seventeenth girlfriend.

her big brother the hero, clad in his vinyl varsity football jacket, somehow manages to recognize her obvious despair: “let’s go to friendly’s.”

touching, eh? but what about real life?

of course aaron is my hero – i just don’t think taking me out for a gritty lunch would have been his solution. back in the day, if he had found me crying on the couch, it would have been more like:
“don’t worry. we rented ‘friday the 13th part 5.’ and ‘shriek of the mutilated.’ it has a yeti in it.”
maybe it’s a brother’s duty to always know what to say.

toxic energy

ok, here are some very important things you should know about working here:

1. there’s always an easy way out. don’t be above taking it.
2. thermostats are props – drink coffee like everyone else.
3. driving rain can prevent non-smokers from taking their scheduled smoke breaks.
4. you don’t get paid any less to do busy work.
5. favorite co-workers: denise, bon jovi, enya, mom, cnn
6. apparently, paper weights are appropriate gifts in the electronic age.
7. we’re gonna need more time to re-contextualize the viral communities in order to embrace more synergistic idealizations.
8. chocolate cake and happy hour were made for each other.
9. i'm positive we've done this before.
10. this is good, but can it be less creative?

lazy

we don't have to go
to work today, but i'm not
sure why: Labor Day!

val, shawn, and lucas
have been and gone. the dog thinks
they're still here somewhere.

more nighttime than day:
summer ends, napping season
formally begins.

and i know what i’m
talking about. what do you
think i did today?