fine with me

there's a new christmas tree law in this state. from the sound of it, it's been in the making since adam and eve drove out to the country, cut down a spruce, hauled it up to their loft on the seventh floor, decorated it with popcorn and hallmark ornaments, didn't water it, left the lights plugged in for three straight days, came home from work on the third day to see their building reduced to a pile of ash, and had to spend the rest of the holiday season at the Y with displaced people like mom, aaron, and me even though marilyn said we could stay with her.

the law states that if you live in an apartment or townhouse that isn't equipped with a sprinkler system, you're not allowed to have a real tree. simple enough? if you said yes, you're giving the masses way too much credit. when i worked at the paper, some crazy lady threatened to get me fired because i listed her name before her brother's in her father's obituary. that was an early run-in with the public. when i told vickie about it, i was on the verge of tears. she rolled her eyes, went back to work, and that was all the lesson i needed. those were the days.

last nite the news, at both 6 and 11 on two different stations, featured in-depth stories about the ban on real trees because their newsrooms had been "flooded by calls all afternoon from viewers who aren't sure if it applies to them." here it is again:

if you live in an apartment or townhouse that isn't equipped with a sprinkler system, you're not allowed to have a real tree.

mostly the reporters talked about how wood is flammable ("it's just like what you burn in your fireplace") and how light bulbs generate heat ("if you leave the lights on for long periods of time, they tend to get hot, and that heat could send your holiday up in flames"). then they showed pictures of people intentionally lighting trees on fire. maybe that's the root of the confusion.
if that's not enough, "look at the ceilings in your apartment or town home. if you don't see one of these round sprinkler devices, [close-up of the sprinkler] your building doesn't have a sprinkler system, your tree might be illegal, and you could be facing a hefty fine."

$2,500! i'm all for it. it's about time we started fining stupid people ... god knows they can afford it ... they were awarded $10 million because sea world didn't post a sign saying it was dangerous to swim with killer whales ... then they got an extra million for falling out a fourth-story window while mooning someone.