frankly, i don't enjoy being this close to you

i can't eat while i'm driving. that's why driving thru isn't an option when you're in my car ... well, that's one of the reasons why. the other is that you're messy with ketchup and greasy food. yes, you.

i also can't sleep on a plane, which explains ... well, absolutely nothing. now i know that i can't read in airports either. why? i'll tell you:

a.) i might see someone i know. i could be in AMA, CHS, FPO, OGG, MEM, RFC ... hell, it could be TKK (ha!) ... regardless, location doesn't matter. there's a familiar face somewhere, and i'm not going to miss it. for example: there goes larry the contractor. i know you don't believe me, but it's true. onward ...

b.) just about everyone is attractive from a distance and i want to know if they still look that good at fifteen feet ... 93% of the time they don't. it really is an amazing phenomenon, tho. that guy back there? totally hot. up here? eh. it's mostly disappointing, but if you spend an extended period of time looking at people who are far away, you'll convince yourself that this is a damn beautiful city ... except for that woman who's trying to run in those shoes ... and that guy, who ... come on ... how can anyone possibly be that goofy?

c.) andrew stone, please report to doorway B3.

d.) andrew stone, please report to doorway B3. this is your final call.

e.) delta flight 5738 paging passenger andrew stone. your flight is ready for departure. please report to doorway B3 immediately.

f.) people are watching me. i'm sure of it. if i'm passing the time looking at them, then there's no way i'm invisible. i can't be ignorant to that. i once read that everyone is someone else's weirdo. i can't be ignorant to that either.

g.) here i come! hold on! i'm here!

h.) sorry, mr. stone. you're too late.

i.) what?

j.) your plane is gone. i'll help you make other arrangements ... and i'm going to personally walk you to the gate.

k.) as aaron always points out, standby is a game. i'm just glad i beat the bald guy in flip flops and don't have to spend the nite in EWR. marc says it smells like feet there ... denise doesn't have much to say about it beyond, "i know, i know ... aaron told me so." (she often speaks in rhyme ... or when she shouldn't. hi denise!)

looks like we're boarding. this is the best part. i especially like watching over-traveled people stand in the passengers-traveling-with-small-children-can-board-first line. who's surprised that the guy wearing the texas flag is going to IAH?

yeah, me either.