i think it's in the shed

this weekend i had a facial and a near death experience. wait ... that's like saying i talked to aaron and my brother on friday.

i also had a manicure, which, frankly, is lost on me because the polish is already chipped. i should never do that unless someone else is paying for it.

sure dodged a bullet there.

anyway! the facial. not a big fan. the music's nice, and i'm happy to lay there for an hour with a hot towel on my face if you'll indulge me ... even so, in the midst of any relaxing treatment, i don't care what it is, no one, i don't care who you are, wants to be at the business end of this conversation:

"the next exfoliant is 5% acid. you may feel a slight itchy burn, but if it really starts to hurt, tell me and i'll wash it off immediately."

"does that happen a lot?"

"well, not a lot. but it does happen."

seriously, when did flesh-eating acid become soothing? after that you're subjected to the steam that makes it hard to breathe and then the extraction process ... not only is this another "let me know if i'm hurting you" step, but it also causes a massive breakout by the next morning.

relax! it's good for you.

with all of that out of the way, you get another hot towel, some kind of cooling mask that makes up for the trauma of the preceding 25 minutes, and about 15 minutes to yourself without someone looking at you through a 100x magnifying glass. this is the best part. a quiet room, a warm bed, and white noise ... but not like the the movie, which hardly deserves a mention.

people say they sometimes fall asleep at this part (i could still be talking about the movie, but i'm not). did i fall asleep? of course not! i was worried about who might come through the door next ... and what kind of sharp object they might have in their coat. instead, i did some serious thinking. i went to one of those places in my brain that has of late been carrying on unsupervised, and i wondered ... how different would the world be if we all shed our skin like snakes?

[don't worry. this is normal.]

ok, suppose every 6 weeks or so your eyes glazed over and you spent a couple days peeling in a very complete, very methodical way. how itchy would that be? and! would your employer’s benefits package include standard time off for those days? would people who make more money or have more seniority than you also get more "shedding time off" privileges?

"if you’ve worked here for three or fewer years, you get two weeks of vacation and 18 shedding days. after that, you get one more shedding day per year."

like most things, it’s gotta be harder to do as you get older and less flexible. naturally, you'll need more time.

the last time i had a pedicure, the nail technician asked me how often i exfoliate my legs. not that it was any of her business, but my routine was apparently not up to standard, so she tried to sell me something that would "help."

that's fine, but if my skin sloughed off at predictable intervals, she’d be out of a job (or at least a commission) and the skin care aisle in Ukrop’s would be reduced to a small stand near the paper products that carried aloe and some other kind of universal balm. ‘nuff said. Bert's Bees would so be out of business, and the poor bees would have to go back to making boring honey. ho-hum.

what about all the Johnson and Johnson employees and dermatologists of the world? they'd be sleeping on park benches and loitering around emergency rooms.

got acne? give it a few weeks … it’ll go away. there. now i’m a dermatologist. it’s gone from being a highly-skilled profession to something that someone with an 18-month degree (or even i) could do with little or no training.

just had surgery? i guarantee you'll forget you even had a scar within 2 months. there goes neosporin's marketing campaign.

you'll want to have stock in beverage companies and jell-o ... they'll be hot industries.

i can't decide if day spas will still exist or not. will anyone need a face treatment if they're going to have all new skin in a matter of weeks? or will oprah insist that we subject more than just our faces to the acid test because it will help us discover our true inner selves? damn her.

there's so much to consider! would i still need to wear 30 spf sunscreen? how would i plan my vacations? what about tanning salons? where will those former employees loiter?

it's a good thing that the facial lady came back when she did ... i was finally able to relax.

a letter to john f. street

dear mr. mayor,

i took this class at work a few months ago that was all about how to write efficient email and run efficient meetings. in the closing moments, we learned how to offer feedback to people who hadn't taken the class on the efficiency of their email and meetings.

when someone sends you a message that's a big block of impossible-to-read text, you're supposed to write back using this formula: open with something nice, offer your "constructive criticism," close with another nice thing. it'll leave them feeling warm and fuzzy about you, which i guess is good since you probably don't want people you have to work with every day thinking you're some kind of judgmental bitch. the technique is called "sandwiching," and i'm going to use it now ...

i recently had the pleasure of visiting the city of brotherly love, which is a name your distinguished metropolis unquestionably lives up to. i've never been in an environment so rank with friendliness ... from the guy power-washing the sidewalk who stopped waving the hose around to let you walk by to the guy who ended up firing the other guy because the stromboli took too long ... the love was practically palpable.

however (that's how you can tell this is the "criticism" part, but i'll still say some nice things in it so's you don't really notice the negativity), upon arrival at the museum of art, instead of being greeted by a triumphant rocky balboa, i was greeted only by shock and horror. and i know for a fact that i wasn't the only one. where there should have been a statue, there was only a pair of shoe prints.

the nothing-if-not-pleasant museum desk attendant inside said that the statue had been moved because "the hoity-toity art enthusiasts thought it was tacky." apparently we've found the sect of the city that isn't on board with the whole "brotherly" thing. i think you should work on that. i'm just glad the statue wasn't destroyed. but let me ask you ... which is tackier? all of rocky on the steps or just his shoes? or is it the creepy statue of the guy strangling a bird?

seriously, which is it? i've been thinking about it all day and can't decide.

thank you, tho, for leaving the button and the clothes pin intact and exactly where the internet said they'd be. they were more than worth the trip. liberty hall was ok, too. i don't really have anything to say about the liberty bell, because it was closed (how can that even be?), so that sucked. but! i've already transitioned back to the nice part of the sandwich and will refrain from saying more ugly things.

speaking of sandwiches and ugliness, i can hardly wait to return to philly to try cheese steak from the famous restaurant that birthed it ... whatever that establishment might be called. i hear it's a mediocre at best meal, and that's good enough for me.

keep up the stellar mayoring work, and please let me know when rocky has been restored to his rightful perch.

thanks for the hospitality!

no, no, no ... it's a movie

i only have a minute ... and far be it for me to use that minute to defend dubya, but here goes ...

i read a headline this afternoon that asks if “Revenge of the Sith” is anti-bush.

if he looked any more like greedo, then obviously, yeah. it is. however! they have totally different snouts. here's the meat of the article:

“The Ottawa Sun asked Christensen [the actor who plays Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader] if the flick ‘takes metaphoric shots at the war-mongering politics of U.S. presidents Richard Nixon and the two George Bushes...’”

the actor, who clearly doesn't research his roles, said "absolutely."

honestly, i don’t think christensen is old enough to remember this, but the fourth part of the series was released 20 years ago. it’s called: "Star Wars: a New Hope." starring roles were given to mark hamil, harrison ford, carrie fischer, and a big hairy guy. (no, not him … the other one.)

how can anyone over the age of 12 not remember this movie? and! how can they be chosen to star in its prequel if they don’t?

part 4 opens in the throes of war. luke skywalker wants to fight in it. the rebels vs. the empire. does any of this ring a bell? what, then, does logic tell us happened before the start of the movie?

what? someone started a war?!

you’re kidding.

sadly, not everything is about the republicans … then again, i don’t yet know what a Sith is.