dear family, friends, and other interested parties:
did you know that in england they say, "happy christmas?" i know that because i've seen the harry potter movies. to those of you who only see the movies but don't read the books: i am so far ahead of you in the story ... i totally could ruin it right now, but i won't ... because it's christmas.
anyway! because i'm not british i'll go with a simple: merry christmas! i hope this holiday season is everything you're wishing for and more. i also hope you're able to celebrate this incredibly cold time of year with your loved ones ... opening presents, drinking eggnog, and getting in those stupid little arguments with your family over things that happened on previous christmases that no one really remembers anyway because of all the vodka. ah, tradition ...
we've been through a lot this year ... weddings, babies, funerals, relocations, spa days, happy hours, reunions, road trips, resignations. on second thought, you've been through a lot this year. in most cases, i was merely a casual observer and may have offered commentary. what have i done this year? that's a good question.
i have no major life events to report at this time. things have been relatively quiet. i didn't buy another house or another car. nor did i move again or change job roles as much as i have in the past. however, i did get my oil changed so many times this summer that john from firestone stopped trying to convince me to apply for a credit card. also, i stripped the wallpaper from my office walls, leaving only the frog ... for now ... and i watched the olympics. a lot.
2004 provided me with a lot of life lessons that i have no intentions of sharing because i'm so much younger than you are, and you should know them by now.
ok, i just realized that i have absolutely nothing to write about if i don't share what i've learned ... - you don't have to get your hair done for every formal event you attend; however, it's necessary if you're in a wedding. also, small-town stylists typically do the best job and for half the price of what it'll cost you in the city.
- cooking a turkey is a cinch.
- don't make eye contact.
- if you're going on a road trip with zoey, put your luggage in the back of the truck and let her have the back seat. this way, she's most likely to sit for longer periods of time, making you less nervous. also, go with two dramamine tablets and the short leash.
- you might think glasses are fine, but ... seriously ... get contacts. otherwise, you’ll be pouring those five years right down the drain.
- everyone likes "the apprentice." people who say they don't just haven't given it a chance.
- it's always better when aaron flies up to go to the movie opening with you.
- wow. i really need to wash my car.
- some people just suck, and there's nothing you can do about it.
- if you don't live in the snow belt, there's really no reason to put your sunglasses away in the winter.
and there you have them ... my 2004 highlights. please feel free to peruse the archives to learn even more of the details from the year. there's some funny stuff in there, if i do say so myself. (have you read the santa poem?) there's also some less funny stuff.
in closing, i'd like to again wish you the best this holiday season ... and don't forget that if you want to give the gift of convenience and excellent customer service, everyone on your list is sure to love a Wawa gift certificate. is there a more perfect present? it's really all you need.
be good!
-jody :)
in the beginning, there were peanut butter and potato chip sandwiches. you're going to eat them both anyway. why not just put them together? besides, the chips help to alleviate some of the sticky mouth issues related to peanut butter while at the same time provide a little crunch and texture.
then there were mashed potatoes with both lunch and dinner every day of the week. on the rare occasion that they were excluded from the menu, there was a baked potato bar. and a pasta bar. with accompanying bread. for the sauce, you know.
then there were things like tuna noodle casserole, hamburger helper, chinese takeout, chocolate chip cookies, lipton italian sides, and red robin.
last week, there was soup. lots and lots of soup. you might call it "oodles." there was also turkey soup (guess where that came from). but it wasn't frozen with noodles, so you had to make them separately. there was a loaf of toast. and one bagel.
why are we afraid of carbohydrates? here's your answer:
oprah.
that's right, oprah.
what other media mogul has captured our attention and our hearts as much as oprah? this is the woman who is the model of all charity. her favorite things are expensive trinkets that you'll get as your next hostess gift. and, as much as it makes my skin crawl (which is a lot, by the way), her name is emblazened on the cover of "East of Eden" ... above steinbeck's.
hang on ... i need to regroup.
she's the voice of women across the country. poor women, famous women, sexually molested women, women with poor decorating taste, mothers, daughters, friends, heroes, singers, marathon runners, john travolta. she made jury duty famous and probably has some pretty serious political views, but i don't know anything about them because one of our primary fascinations with oprah is her weight.
for years we've watched her own personal struggle with yo-yo diets. but look at her now! smiling on the cover of every month's edition of "O" magazine. how can she do that? she probably cut out the carbs. and if it's good enough for oprah, it's good enough for everyone else. she's a beacon, for crying out loud!
is her name on the cover of atkins' diet book? how 'bout the south beach diet? dunno ... i've been busy reading other things. and eating popcorn.
[the following poem is based on actual events. i'd like to thank mandy for being a constant source of inspiration and denise for her unswerving devotion to making things rhyme.]
christmas in the suburbs
a position of quiet dignity,
you travel to the ends each year and back.
your legend lingers through infinity;
devoted fans are nothing that you lack.
a tribute to you stands next door to mine.
they hung their christmas lights way back in june,
the neighbors are a clan of tacky swine.
who else around dec'rates with a spittoon?
your sculpture's meant to stand fully upright,
with head held high and proud above the sleigh.
alas! your eyes are low to a termite!
a pump with air your troubles would allay.
tol'rate such abuse you shouldn't hafta.
my heart goes out. oh, deflated santa!
i'd officially like to welcome debi's multimedia class to the mix. from what i've gathered, they were forced on board sometime after my incredibly accurate explanation of the origination of thanksgiving.
i'm about 87% sure that none of you are still reading, but to those of you who decided to stick around for just one more minute: you rock! i can't say that you rock more than mandy and the newly-converted patriot-loving brad (how can you blame him, really?), but there's plenty of time to prove yourselves.
i'll even do my part and step up to the plate a little more often. you might not be reading, but a 13% chance that you are is a ... mild ... motivator.
anyway! welcome! do you even believe that the title and first three paragraphs start with the same letter? have you ever met such a narcissist? damn.
oh! check out debi's new blog. :)
ok ... here's the headline that makes you consider pawning ... or simply trashing ... all of your lava lamps (oh, come on, don't act like you don't have one. no one believes it.):
Exploding Lava Lamp Kills Washington Man
... and here's the subhead that clears your worries and reminds you that people are inherently stupid:
Shard of glass pierces victim's heart after lava lamp heated on stove.
here's the whole story. it's a short one, but definitely worth the read. the police, too, are baffled. imagine that.
