a short commentary on the regenerative powers of my thumb

you know ... given the opportunity, i think i could eat twice zoey's weight in mashed potatoes and gravy.

so, this is thanksgiving, huh? it's not so bad. frankly, i don't think i would have noticed it if not for the parade and the 37-cent/pound turkey. and the house guests. had it not been for those hints, i might have jumped directly into the christmas season with a quick nod to halloween and no regard for autumn whatsoever. kind of like target.

however, the constant reminders to buy turkey and bread kept me mostly on track. mina told me to go home early wednesday and enjoy the nice, long weekend. it wasn't until the next day that i remembered why all that was happening. oh, yeah ...

why do we celebrate thanksgiving, anyway? well, i'll tell you.

a long, long time ago, a species of humans known as "pilgrims" who were infamous for wearing black clothes, big hats, and belt buckles decided they were better off sailing over the edge of the earth than they were in england. i've never been there, but i've heard things about the food.

as it turns out, they did not sail over the edge. nor did they land in texas ... although they could have because texas was really, really big back then. but, no ... they hit some other state.

anyway! after an exceptionally slow disembarkation that caused most pilgrims to miss their flights to warmer climates, they built a football stadium for their world championship football team and then began spreading out and settling more colonies along the east coast because, really, what's the point if you're not within two hours of a beach?

cozy now, and with professional football, the pilgrims decided they were in as good a position as any to begin giving thanks to someone ... maybe god ... maybe bob kraft ... certainly not gary bettman ... for sports and turkey. they also thanked whoever it was for allowing them to live in a country that was far from tyranny seeing as they could now sue anyone at will for any minor incident, thereby severely watering down the term used in most countries as "law."

and then, after discovering the art of twisting meanings for the good of the one, they ran all of the american indians off their native land because they wanted to build malls in which they could run up billions of dollars of credit card debt all in the name of christmas. soon enough, the american indians recognized the brilliance in the plan and established shops of their own that eventually flourished because they didn't charge tax. talk about fulfilling the american dream.

so, as you can see, the true meaning of thanksgiving is still very much alive ... thanks mostly to retailers, lawyers, john madden, and paul prudhomme. how can we not give most of the thanks to the man who invented the turducken?

if it can be bought online, you are so getting one for christmas.

p.s. i cut my thumb while i was washing dishes yesterday and it still stings like hell. it wasn't even that bad a cut.

*sigh*

i've lost you, haven't i? you've given up on me.

of course i'm not mad ... after all, it's my own fault. i've shot myself in the foot once again. i'm my own foreshadowing joan osborne song. how ironic.

maybe someday you'll find your way back. somehow, i have.

but the good news is that i've bought nothing today.

enough is enough is enough

i don't know where i heard it. it was either the voice in my head that i've been trying to shut out, or my LaunchCast player. regardless, the voice, which was deeper than usual and that leads me to believe it was not "the" voice, said, "november 23rd is Buy Nothing Day."

you know what? it was LaunchCast. "Buy Nothing Day" is also the name of a song.

god, that takes a weight off.

so, what a great idea, huh? Buy Nothing Day. because that's pretty much what it takes to keep me from spending money. actually, here's a list of things that can contribute to keeping me from spending money:

• self restraint. obviously, this is unreliable.
• a conscious decision, which is marginally more reliable because it leads to...
• guilt. this will keep me from doing absolutely anything. always a powerful tool against me if you know how to wield it properly. many people do not.
• decrees by chumbawumba. this is a new category. initial results are pending.

by the time i wake up tomorrow morning, i will have made up rules about the day (see the bit about self restraint) in order to compensate for "what-ifs."

what if that's the day my car payment is due? well, it's not so i don't have to worry about it. mortgage either. and i can schedule my online payments for the 22nd or 24th.

what if i want a snickers bar from the vending machine? remember when i was in brownies for like 4 days? i made a pin cushion that said "be prepared." so i guess i can get a snickers ahead of time and lock it in the cabinet. i guess that also means i have to either not eat lunch, get someone who isn't celebrating Buy Nothing Day to pay, or bring it with me. *gasp!*

what if kohl's is having a one day only sale? i guess i'm just going to have to suck that one up.

what if denise wants to go to happy hour? tomorrow’s a tuesday, so i don't exactly see that happening. but if it does, i guess we just make sure the folks who pay on wednesday are there early.

now i’m all psyched up about it. it’s good to have goals, right? that’s what they tell me at work. i don’t actually have any … that are documented … or have anything to do with my job … which is why i wake up with pink slip expectation every morning; therefore, Buy Nothing Day may actually start a healthy pattern: save money for the day the expectation is met.

yay me!

had to be there

i was at my grandmother's house and for some reason zoey couldn't be anywhere but in the middle of the street. i threw buckets and buckets of water on her and she still wanted to jump on grandma.

the next thing i knew, i was in a classroom full of 7-year-olds, waiting for my turn to give a presentation. all the kids were phenomenal and i was at my wit's end with nervousness. finally, it was my turn. i stood up (as i'd been sitting in one of those miniature plastic chairs that 7-year-olds sit in ... you know what i'm talking about) and went to the front of the class.

boy, were they small. the moment i noticed a microphone in my hand was the moment i decided to do a stand-up routine. i don't remember what my first joke was, but a kid in the front had a question. i answered it. everyone laughed.

another question. i answered that one, too. i was on a popularity roll.

then a hand went up in the back and the guy dressed like an indian started, i'm not kidding, grilling me about "brine on the floor of the school busses." suddenly i'm the school board? i tried to answer ... really tried ... everyone had stopped laughing and having fun. i couldn't come up with a satisfying answer. i was drowning.

it was that dream again where i jump in the pool and, as i'm swimming to the surface, realize something has my ankle. i'm close enough that my hands are in the air, but i just can't go any further.

panic set in then i heard the national anthem.

see, what happened was the phone rang at 5.30 and ended the peaceful sleep i'd been enjoying. for a moment, i thought it was rob actually being serious, and he was going to hear about it ... but it turned out to be a wrong number, and, apparently, i didn't quite recover.

damn that brenda! and i'm not george chapman either ... so if you work for student loan services, please give it a rest.

on the rocks

are you serious? it's been a week since i wrote anything? wow. i suck at this.

but while i'm here, i'll give you a quick update on my work of art whose title only mandy and i know because she's the only one checking up on me. actually, she probably doesn't remember the title either. luckily, i have a general idea.

so, after a dedicated week of working by day and hanging out at bailey's, friday's, and sharky's by eve, i've managed to produce just over a thousand words. this leaves me with 22 days to write 49,000 more.

i am so ... far behind.

it's sad really. it's like getting all psyched to climb a mountain, buying all the gear, getting trained, notarizing the will, and then deciding after 15 feet that you're afraid of heights.

i'll hang where i am for a while longer ... maybe i'll make a little progress in the next few days. there's still time.

right?

let's try that again

you're not safe.

and neither are scores of unsuspecting, random strangers.

remember that kid at o'charley's last week who was making that noise and staring at denise? he's included.

i wasn't going to say anything about it, but if i'm going to crash and burn, why not do it semi-publicly? it's that whole "if a tree falls in the woods" kind of thing. if it doesn't make a sound, then that poor tree has wasted its time and energy in falling flat on its face and will end up all alone in a quiet forest with no one to either help it back up or to taunt its downfall. (no pun intended.)

soooooooo …

it's national novel writing month! and i’d like to take this opportunity to let you know that as of today i’m considering every interaction i've ever had as well as every interaction you’ve ever had that you’ve told me about, even in passing, as fodder for my novel.

that funny thing that happened to you on that trip that one time all those years ago with those people and then that other thing happened? yeah. it's as good as documented.

don’t worry … all names and significant details will be changed … not so much to protect us all, but mostly so i can easily fictionalize things and make them end the way i want.

because it’s all about me.

ha!

anyway! as no one other than myself recalls, i failed miserably last year. of the 50,000 words, i managed to fall embarrassingly short. 30K? come on ... i can do better ... i will do better.

look at me being all optimistic. that'll change.

ok, i’m off to stare at a blank screen for a few minutes before diving in. at least this time i’ve already thought up more than one primary character. if you have any inclination to check on me, you may do so here. keep those expectations in check ...