why i cried in altoona

there are a lot of reasons ... but it's hard to really nail them down.

i get the feeling that it had something to do with the day we dropped aaron off at case. sure, we were there for a couple days of orientation and roommate, clark, and dan introduction ... but after all that. when his bed was made and his clothes were unpacked and all the guys were grouping up to go to the quad or something ... he went through one door and we went through another.

it was uncomfortable for a minute. actually, it was uncomfortable for more than a minute. how could he just turn and walk away? how could we? it wasn't like i was never going to see him again. i knew i would ... probably before thanksgiving. but what would it be like? would it be the same? would he be the same? would i?

i'd grown to love normal.

part of it was jealousy. you can't watch someone you love take such a big step in his life without wondering when or if you're going to take a similar step. think of what he's going to experience and who he's going to experience it with. how can you not want to do that, too?

another part was excitement. you can't watch someone you love take such a big step in his life without wondering what he's going to learn, where he's going to go, who he's going to meet, who he's going to become, and what he's going to teach you.

normal would be redefined, but it would remain normal.

so i cried. on interstate 90 from cleveland to albion. growing pains do that to you no matter how grown up you think you are. perfectly and naturally healthy, they pass eventually, but always manage to leave a mark ... a soft spot or a scar or a callous ... maybe something breaks.
it's all for the better. can't you see how far you've come?

head trauma

today was my 4th trip down the aisle. or was it the 5th? i don't remember anymore. sure sounds like i have a lot of baggage, tho, doesn't it?

turns out i do ... but not that kind of baggage. other random baggage. i even have a set of luggage ... but not a full set. most of a set ... the important pieces.

anyway! alicia got married today and i have the mosquito bites and lump on the head to prove it. wouldn't it be fun if i could tell you that i got hit in the head with a champagne bottle, or took a header on the dance floor, or even ran into the top of the door getting out of the limo? sadly, however, i've learned that when you get poked in the head with a bobby pin and then add 80 more bobby pins and then let everything sit there for 15 hours, that one little spot gets sore. and swollen. and you can't brush your hair the way you want to for at least 5 days.

but the itching and the scalp pain as well as the discomfort that comes from wearing a dress that the seamstress took in a little too much on the top, thank you very much, was all worth it for the opportunities to be there for the stupid questions; to be there before, during, and after the rain; to be there for, as silly as it may have seemed at the time, the exchange of peace after they said "i do" ...

... to be there to share such pure happiness with your best friend and 250 of the closest strangers you'd ever met.

by the end of the night, you couldn't tell which family was which or who wasn't related at all.

i don't know anything about it ... but that's gotta be how it's supposed to work.

cake, anyone?

on august 22, the Mare will start its second year of life. who would have guessed this would have gone on so long? certainly not me. my attention span typically doesn't last more than 23 minutes. when i'm at work, tho, it's more like 45 seconds. seriously, i think i have some kind of adult attention deficit disorder. have you seen that commercial where the woman is sitting in a meeting thinking about what her kids are doing and where her husband is and a convo she had earlier that day and then someone calls on her? that's a lot like me. except without the kids. and the husband. and no one ever calls on me in meetings. until today! in a staff meeting, i was sitting next to my manager's manager and he turned to me with, "is there anything you'd like to add here?" wow! there really wasn't, but i went with it and said 1/30 of a minute worth of nothing. it was impressive, just ask neil.

also impressive is the CD i bought last week. it's full of wonderful angry music - very work appropriate. my new favorite song is called "out of control." it has a lot of yelling in it, especially at the end. it's totally going in the car on my next road trip. one of these days, i'm going to unplug my headphones and let the yelling and screaming and head banging fill the executive wing, which is where they moved me at the beginning of the month. they'll regret it by the end.

but no, i could never do that. i have a mortgage to pay and a dog to support. someone else might have to support her very shortly if she keeps getting up at 3 a.m. because she's hungry. the humane society maybe. or mom. i think mom would be happy with a dog. and even if she isn't, her landlord would love it. zoey could become the edinboro community's mascot. she could go to work with the hobb's boys where she'd find fame for being afraid of everything from the automatic door to the cash register to the forklifts. of course, if she lived with mandy, she could be afraid of ethan, and buster would finally have someone to boss around (besides brad when he visits).

anyway! so, yeah ... that anniversary is still a few days away.

a year of this, eh? and you're still around? wow.

The Straggler

The desert horizon encompassed April as she stood in the faint light of the fire examining the backs of her hands. The paramedics had called them defensive wounds when they delicately wrapped her in gauze. She decided that was a good explanation and repeated it to the police, condemning some poor black and white to at least two fruitless weeks.

The waning flames illuminated her forehead, nose, cheeks and neck, and begot soft shadow dances across the webbing on her hands. Everything had been fine a week ago. Hell, three days ago. She might as well have had a lobotomy within the last 48 hours. At least that would shed some light.

April picked at the gauze and a dark red splotch slowly grew lighter. She hadn't felt pain for months. Only the emotions that linger when it's passed. Four lights blazed in the distance. She could feel more bearing down from behind, but she wasn't interested anymore. If only she could be content where she was with her bleeding hands and quaint fire. Other people did it all the time. But she belonged to the lights. Maybe if she stayed, the lights would come to her and finally settle this.

But April new better than to wait. She tore the bandages from her hands and dropped them into the coals before stomping out the remaining flames. Tiny embers wedged themselves under her sandal straps, a final grasp for life. Later, she would remember the heat and wish for it.

Darkness engulfed her and she exhaled her content. A thankful smile. Sand crunched under her feet with every step and Orion looked down on her, as had so many others before him.

"Which one?" she asked. But he remained silent. April knew she didn't have to decide yet anyway. The lights were lifetimes away and seemed to be moving against her. She'd ask again later. For now, she'd let the open air lick her wounds and sting her eyes while she walked the distance, thinking up nonsense to pass the time.

one word to describe mandy on reunion weekend

show-stopping

(i figure the hyphen brings it all together.)

the class reunion in one word:

dramatic.