why i love jeopardy

i don't know what the deal was yesterday, but i spent the afternoon doing nothing but watching movies. ya just can't watch "the patriot" too many times.

by the time evening rolled around, i was ready for something different. i was ready for something to help solidify my turned-to-mush brain. "extreme makeover home edition" wasn't the answer. and, sadly, neither was "super millionaire."

here's the premise of the show: to be an actual contestant, you have to first answer a silly question like, "put these presidents in the order starting with the most recent: jefferson, clinton." ok, there are supposed to be four options, but it's such a silly thing to have to do, i stopped with two.

if you win this contest, you get to sit in the hot seat where you face your greatest challenge of the whole show: sitting in close proximity to a condescending and oily regis philbin, whose wit proves only how much ABC spent on "laugh" and "applause" signs.

next, you're faced with a series of questions that were in previous lives rejected from teen jeopardy. but they're worth $1,000 to $5,000. the questions grow progressively more challenging, which means the audience spends more and more time watching you sweat while you cluelessly stare at the giant monitor in front of you. there's no chance to actually think because regis is being paid by the word, and he can't seem to stop describing your husband's reactions as he sits patiently in the audience ... rolling his eyes.

so let's say you make it to the $100,000 question. this is where the lighting changes and regis grandiosely announces that you're in a new dimension or something. then there's dramatic music, the camera shoots up to the ceiling (again), and the audience feigns awe. regis explains the new rules, which consist of only two new life lines. i'm sure you're familiar with the originals, so i won't bore you with them. [note to the audience: the pig in "animal farm" isn't named "mussolini." moron.]

now you get "double dip," which means you can answer again if your first guess is wrong, and "three wise men," which, from what i can tell, consists of three non-descript pseudo celebrities/self-proclaimed smart people sitting at a table trying not to embarrass themselves in front of a nation.

i've seen this life line used twice, and both times none of the people had a clue as to what the answer was. they couldn't even produce an educated guess. helpful!

but the best part is that when you use one of the extra life lines, you have to confirm that's what you want to do.

"regis, i'd like to ask the three wise men."

and then regis says, "ok. you've decided to ask the three wise men. do you confirm your decision?"

"yes, i confirm it."

"ok, we're going with the three wise men. let's turn on the audio and video feed."

what a waste of time. you already wasted 5 minutes deciding that you didn't know the answer. now you wasted 5 more convincing regis that you wanted help from three other people who don't know the answer either. and your family at home has managed to fall asleep on the couch.

i love jeopardy because it's fast. because it's challenging. because it doesn't chronicle the history of each contestant. because it's not a vehicle for regis to inflate his already unbelievable ego. because instead of learning 8 things in 60 minutes, you can learn, what, 61-ish things in 30. granted, i say "who is henry the 8th?!" about 20 times per episode, but that's down from 35 last year.

so i'm learning. is that my final answer? wait ... maybe i should phone a friend.