this morning, around 3 a.m. -- i'm 27 years old and i walk into my fifth grade classroom. instead of a sour mrs. taylor at the desk, however, is a cartoon version of my high school spanish teacher standing at the board. he's about 3 feet tall. for real. he is.
i introduce myself, hand him a pink slip of paper, and nervously move my notebook from one arm to the other. he raises a carefully balanced conductor's baton and aims it roughly at the back of the classroom. i expect this because, duh, i'm a W.
"please sit next to madonna," he says with a song, still pointing.
"ok." i make my way through three rows of empty desks and finally see my fellow classmates. i turn back around. "um, which one?"
February 17, 2004
February 16, 2004
kills on sight and generally unpleasant
"for here or to go?"
sage was trying to open a bag of chee-tos with her matter-of-month-old hands, but her mother was too busy ordering popcorn and pizza to notice. a phlegmy cough escaped the brown-eyed girl's lips. she might as well have projectile vomited on little courtney who wasn't much older, but was squatted three feet away, calling sage as if she was a dog.
"here sage, come here girl," she said in the sing-song voice of a little girl who didn't know any better. "come on!" she snapped her fingers as further enticement and looked over her shoulder for her mother's encouragement, but her mother was sitting by the garbage can. nursing courtney's sibling.
sage's mom turned around and took the chee-tos from her daughter. "not now, sage." sage looked at her without any understanding and coughed. almost straight up.
the trio made their way slowly through the rows of plastic chairs and booths. at least two more times, sage did the open-mouth coughing thing toward the imploring courtney as their mothers ate lunch together.
"look at me. don't i look great? i just got back from the Y." sweats, hat, tennis shoes.
"i really should get back into the routine." frumpy shirt, feet up, child resting on chest.
courtney wiped at her face with a little pink sleeve.
"sage, baby, stay away from courtney," her mom said. "we went to the doctor this morning."
"it's not contagious, is it?"
"actually," she said as if this was the punch line. "she is, but it should pass quickly. i just don't want her getting anyone sick."
more phlegm.
"ma'am? ma'am!"
"yes? i'm sorry ... what?"
"is this for here or to go?"
"oh, yeah. to go, please," i said.
sage was trying to open a bag of chee-tos with her matter-of-month-old hands, but her mother was too busy ordering popcorn and pizza to notice. a phlegmy cough escaped the brown-eyed girl's lips. she might as well have projectile vomited on little courtney who wasn't much older, but was squatted three feet away, calling sage as if she was a dog.
"here sage, come here girl," she said in the sing-song voice of a little girl who didn't know any better. "come on!" she snapped her fingers as further enticement and looked over her shoulder for her mother's encouragement, but her mother was sitting by the garbage can. nursing courtney's sibling.
sage's mom turned around and took the chee-tos from her daughter. "not now, sage." sage looked at her without any understanding and coughed. almost straight up.
the trio made their way slowly through the rows of plastic chairs and booths. at least two more times, sage did the open-mouth coughing thing toward the imploring courtney as their mothers ate lunch together.
"look at me. don't i look great? i just got back from the Y." sweats, hat, tennis shoes.
"i really should get back into the routine." frumpy shirt, feet up, child resting on chest.
courtney wiped at her face with a little pink sleeve.
"sage, baby, stay away from courtney," her mom said. "we went to the doctor this morning."
"it's not contagious, is it?"
"actually," she said as if this was the punch line. "she is, but it should pass quickly. i just don't want her getting anyone sick."
more phlegm.
"ma'am? ma'am!"
"yes? i'm sorry ... what?"
"is this for here or to go?"
"oh, yeah. to go, please," i said.
January 25, 2004
fighting the bull
we know it's coming. it happens every year. the off season. the shock is so complete, that most of february is dedicated to getting used to it. no wonder valentine's day sucks. for most teams and fans, football season is already over. but for the best ones (like us)there's still one week left. sadly, it's not this week. during the interim, we're getting a good taste of what sunday life is like without football.
network tv doesn't do much to help ease the off season shock. they show a lot of (speaking of things that suck) golf, basketball, golf, basketball, and "antiques road show." but i found something almost worth watching this afternoon: bull riding. cowboys, wild animals, and redneck accents ... who could ask for anything more? when everything is let loose, it's fun to watch the poor cowboy sap get his shoulder bounced out of its socket, but it takes so long to get there. these guys spend two minutes strapping themselves down in order to spend, if they're lucky, all eight seconds on the ride. sometimes they make it, but sometimes they get stepped on and the crowd goes wild. rob bell had to get stitches in his chin. and it's that kind of thing that keeps you watching.
the biggest disappointment, tho, isn't when they fall off after 2 or 3 seconds or when the cowboy's hat comes off, which hardly ever happens. the biggest disappointment is that the PBR cuts and files the bulls' horns. they probably do that because bulls are nasty ass animals and they don't want the cowboys to get hurt any more than they're already asking for, but i want to see the bull in the bugs bunny cartoons with the sharp horns that he primes with chalk before taking off after the matador ... or daffy ... whoever's closest.
so, even tho i don't appreciate puns, that's my beef with bull riding. and it has clowns, but they're basically just targets for aggression, and i'm good with that.
on a happier note, it's snowing and schools are already closed for tomorrow. i bet they'll be closed tuesday, too. keep your fingers crossed and i'll call the inclement weather line before i go to bed. i have some reading to catch up on ... and tomorrow would be perfect for that.
network tv doesn't do much to help ease the off season shock. they show a lot of (speaking of things that suck) golf, basketball, golf, basketball, and "antiques road show." but i found something almost worth watching this afternoon: bull riding. cowboys, wild animals, and redneck accents ... who could ask for anything more? when everything is let loose, it's fun to watch the poor cowboy sap get his shoulder bounced out of its socket, but it takes so long to get there. these guys spend two minutes strapping themselves down in order to spend, if they're lucky, all eight seconds on the ride. sometimes they make it, but sometimes they get stepped on and the crowd goes wild. rob bell had to get stitches in his chin. and it's that kind of thing that keeps you watching.
the biggest disappointment, tho, isn't when they fall off after 2 or 3 seconds or when the cowboy's hat comes off, which hardly ever happens. the biggest disappointment is that the PBR cuts and files the bulls' horns. they probably do that because bulls are nasty ass animals and they don't want the cowboys to get hurt any more than they're already asking for, but i want to see the bull in the bugs bunny cartoons with the sharp horns that he primes with chalk before taking off after the matador ... or daffy ... whoever's closest.
so, even tho i don't appreciate puns, that's my beef with bull riding. and it has clowns, but they're basically just targets for aggression, and i'm good with that.
on a happier note, it's snowing and schools are already closed for tomorrow. i bet they'll be closed tuesday, too. keep your fingers crossed and i'll call the inclement weather line before i go to bed. i have some reading to catch up on ... and tomorrow would be perfect for that.
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