pandora's box

yesterday i had the opportunity to tell someone exactly what i thought of him ... and i took it.

typically, i'm a diplomat. in my job, i spend a fair amount of time negotiating and being apathetic. i've become extremely adept (if i do say so myself, thank you) at telling people that they can't have what they want without causing [much of] a stir ... often, they end up thanking me. it rocks.

however, because of my genetic make-up, being nice all the time takes a lot out of me. it's like in dirk gently's holistic detective agency when the ghost of gordon way is trying to be noticed. he simply must let someone know that he still exists, but any form of materialization takes a great deal of energy and leaves him exhausted.

to prevent myself from being exhausted by all of the nice, i find ways to blow off a little steam between bouts of smiling and accommodation. for example, at the end of a perfectly pleasant phone conversation that ends the way i wanted it to, i may hang up the phone, wipe the happy expression off my face - on the phone, it's easy to tell if someone is smiling - and mutter, "idiot." then all is balanced.

would i ever call someone an idiot to their face? only if we're related by blood or friendship. most everyone else is out of bounds ... until i'm beyond fed up. this last part was yesterday's discovery.

i'll spare you the details, but tell you this ... this may be a turning point. i wasn't going to be charmed or guilted, but i was going to stand up for myself and not censor my feelings for the sake of someone else's.

every time he said, "sorry" i said "thank you."

it felt amazing.

i want to do it again.