when you have a name like mine ...

... really, you have no use for ancestry.com. unfortunately, there are some people out there who need that kind of thing to establish their identity. why they feel they have to steal mine to get to the bottom of theirs, i don't understand. well, maybe i do.

large numbers on my credit card statement make me nervous, and i really only use one card due to my short attention span. a college junior, i acquired my VISA because i wasn't yet able to be mean and say no to random people, even tho i should have been that day because "maury" (back when it wasn't all about the baby's daddy) had just ended and i was on my way out.

"yeah, sure, ok," and 10 days later i was a cardholder.

for no apparent reason, i was nervous about it ... i didn't have an income to speak of and no reliable transportation (besides public ... yikes) to take me to places where i could do any kind of damage. i'd been in the habit of using my debit card to withdraw $10 every week for thursday nite pizza. who wants to pay interest on that? and! why won't ATMs let you withdraw just $10 anymore? i need $50, but i have to get either $40 or $60 ... either way, i'm left looking for a 10-spot.

so, to look like i was a grown-up, i used my card to buy books. once a term. instead of carting my clunky checkbook to the student union, i now had the sleek card in my student ID holder thing. either way, i still needed a pen.

did i pay off my balance when the statement arrived? of course. i didn't want to turn into one of those people you see on 20/20. or alicia. ;)

do i still pay off the balance every month? hell no. these days i actually am a grown-up (i can at least pass as one) and understand the social importance of spending beyond one's means, but i try to stay in control whenever possible.

last nite, while feeling much older than everyone else in the room because i didn't have any homework to do and oh-my-god-it-was-9:45-p.m., i handed my responsible-looking "member since 1996" card to the vet tech behind the counter ...

[i'd like to take this opportunity to mention how much i love the staff at the vet's office. they are fantastic people who recognize my voice on the phone, love my dog, and always manage to go out of their way for us.]

... as usual, she scanned the card and handed it back to me, complimenting the picture of zoey it sports. we waited. when the receipt finally printed out, it read, "REFERRAL." no one seemed to know what that meant, so she scanned it again. and again, we read "REFERRAL."

i hadn't used the card in almost a week, and had just made a payment that afternoon. once more, "REFERRAL." at this point, the receptionist tech called whoever it is you call when you don't know what's going on with credit cards while three other techs took zoey into an exam room to clip her nails and get her generally wound up, which is good because it eventually makes her tired.

the people you call when you don't know what's going on with credit cards flat-out declined mine. this was a first for me. surprisingly, it wasn't nearly as embarrassing as TV makes it out to be. maybe that's because i was too busy being shocked and seeing how much cash i had.

i was hardly in the house when i picked up the phone. 31 digits and practically no waiting later, i was asked the oddest question i've been asked since a prospective employer asked me to rate the person i was recommending on a scale of 1 to 10 with ten being the best. duh, 10.

"have you recently been making purchases at ancestry.com?"

today i have a new account number, but i still feel violated. i'm on the verge of reverting to paper statements and giving up online shopping. of course, if i did that, i couldn't order pizza online ... i'd have to pay in cash ... and that's just not me.