why weight?

imagine being 14 again.

let's see ... yikes! i was very early in my awkward stage (as that was a period that started when i was 11 and ended ... well, let's just say i've made it to the fringes), i was a freshman in high school, may or may not have had what was left of a perm, and was paying mandy to bring my books to 8th period because she was closer to my locker after 7th.

on second thought, i wasn't paying mandy to do that. she was always borrowing money from me (for drugs or something, i don't know), so that was how she repaid me. a nice little arrangement.

what else? i was no longer in band because i never practiced, and that consistent C (even tho i was first chair, go figure) was bringing me down. also, even with a perm i was cooler than band; however, at 14, i wasn't cooler than chorus. was that the year i had to stand up in front of the whole group and sing with Regional Chorus Val? how embarrassing.

anyway! now that we all remember what it was like to be 14, let's remember what it was like to bring home a report card. sometimes good, sometimes bad. fortunately we always got an A in chorus. math-related subjects were a different story. here's something fun:

arkansas and (soon-to-be) texas not only send home normal your-son-is-failing-world-cultures-because-he-refuses-to-tie-his-shoes-with-square-knots report cards, but they also send home additional your-daughter-is-brilliant-but-come-on-she-really-needs-to-lay-off-the-twinkies report cards.

fabulous!

one texas mother didn't realize that her 12-year-old was one hundred (100!) pounds overweight until the school sent a note home to tell her and until she saw her child's weight printed on her report card ... next to her GPA.

you probably can’t tell just by looking at him that jimmy is failing algebra 2. you might even be one of jimmy’s parents and have no idea until the mark comes home and you have to get out the belt. however, if you were a responsible parent, you’d be fully aware of his progress, and as such might not even need the belt.

regardless of the belt situation, if you were a responsible parent, you’d also know (even if it’s just on a hunch) that he would be healthier if he dropped a few pounds. he is a kid, after all, and not all kids get their clothes from the big and tall stores.

i'm all for health class and gym class (except for when i wanted to take spanish 4 but wasn’t allowed b/c of gym … but it all worked out … i can’t speak spanish anyway) and kicking mcdonald’s and taco bell and pepsi machines out of school cafeterias for the sake of implementing healthy eating programs so that we [adults who are charged with caring for the young folk] are serving something other than grease, lard, and sugar every day.

i'm not so much in favor of having mandatory weigh-ins at report card time. do we really think it’s going to do anything other than lower self-confidence and promote bullying? i think we all want to be healthy and happy and comfortable with our self images, but who’s responsible for achieving and maintaining that? is it the government? for real.

and! who’s going to decide and enforce what everyone should weigh? will this be spilling into the private sector as well, or does the government just want to control the kids? will i be fired one day for not meeting my weight goals despite my exceptional project delivery?

i want to be a governor. i want to ignore stuff like crime rates and unemployment in order to focus my attention on your percentage of body fat. once i have that program in place, i want to make sure another important law is passed: the one that says i can fine you for wearing your pants in such a way that everyone can see your underwear … $50 a pop, baby. where's that belt now?