had to be there

i was at my grandmother's house and for some reason zoey couldn't be anywhere but in the middle of the street. i threw buckets and buckets of water on her and she still wanted to jump on grandma.

the next thing i knew, i was in a classroom full of 7-year-olds, waiting for my turn to give a presentation. all the kids were phenomenal and i was at my wit's end with nervousness. finally, it was my turn. i stood up (as i'd been sitting in one of those miniature plastic chairs that 7-year-olds sit in ... you know what i'm talking about) and went to the front of the class.

boy, were they small. the moment i noticed a microphone in my hand was the moment i decided to do a stand-up routine. i don't remember what my first joke was, but a kid in the front had a question. i answered it. everyone laughed.

another question. i answered that one, too. i was on a popularity roll.

then a hand went up in the back and the guy dressed like an indian started, i'm not kidding, grilling me about "brine on the floor of the school busses." suddenly i'm the school board? i tried to answer ... really tried ... everyone had stopped laughing and having fun. i couldn't come up with a satisfying answer. i was drowning.

it was that dream again where i jump in the pool and, as i'm swimming to the surface, realize something has my ankle. i'm close enough that my hands are in the air, but i just can't go any further.

panic set in then i heard the national anthem.

see, what happened was the phone rang at 5.30 and ended the peaceful sleep i'd been enjoying. for a moment, i thought it was rob actually being serious, and he was going to hear about it ... but it turned out to be a wrong number, and, apparently, i didn't quite recover.

damn that brenda! and i'm not george chapman either ... so if you work for student loan services, please give it a rest.

on the rocks

are you serious? it's been a week since i wrote anything? wow. i suck at this.

but while i'm here, i'll give you a quick update on my work of art whose title only mandy and i know because she's the only one checking up on me. actually, she probably doesn't remember the title either. luckily, i have a general idea.

so, after a dedicated week of working by day and hanging out at bailey's, friday's, and sharky's by eve, i've managed to produce just over a thousand words. this leaves me with 22 days to write 49,000 more.

i am so ... far behind.

it's sad really. it's like getting all psyched to climb a mountain, buying all the gear, getting trained, notarizing the will, and then deciding after 15 feet that you're afraid of heights.

i'll hang where i am for a while longer ... maybe i'll make a little progress in the next few days. there's still time.

right?

let's try that again

you're not safe.

and neither are scores of unsuspecting, random strangers.

remember that kid at o'charley's last week who was making that noise and staring at denise? he's included.

i wasn't going to say anything about it, but if i'm going to crash and burn, why not do it semi-publicly? it's that whole "if a tree falls in the woods" kind of thing. if it doesn't make a sound, then that poor tree has wasted its time and energy in falling flat on its face and will end up all alone in a quiet forest with no one to either help it back up or to taunt its downfall. (no pun intended.)

soooooooo …

it's national novel writing month! and i’d like to take this opportunity to let you know that as of today i’m considering every interaction i've ever had as well as every interaction you’ve ever had that you’ve told me about, even in passing, as fodder for my novel.

that funny thing that happened to you on that trip that one time all those years ago with those people and then that other thing happened? yeah. it's as good as documented.

don’t worry … all names and significant details will be changed … not so much to protect us all, but mostly so i can easily fictionalize things and make them end the way i want.

because it’s all about me.

ha!

anyway! as no one other than myself recalls, i failed miserably last year. of the 50,000 words, i managed to fall embarrassingly short. 30K? come on ... i can do better ... i will do better.

look at me being all optimistic. that'll change.

ok, i’m off to stare at a blank screen for a few minutes before diving in. at least this time i’ve already thought up more than one primary character. if you have any inclination to check on me, you may do so here. keep those expectations in check ...